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Study: Anxiety Resolved By Thinking About It Real Hard

Potentially offering hope to millions of Americans struggling with psychological and emotional problems, a study published this week in The New England Journal Of Medicine found that test subjects were capable of fully resolving their anxiety by thinking ...

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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Affair To Threaten Whatever It Is John Edwards Does For A Living

WASHINGTON—News of his extramarital affair with a former campaign worker could put John Edwards at serious risk of losing the position or appointment he currently holds, or may be planning to hold, or to contend for, if he hasn't lost it already, sources reported Tuesday.

"This will be a major blow to the retired-lawyer-former-senator- slash-presidential-candidate-and-nonprofit-foundation-founder's chances of being named attorney general or appointed to another cabinet position, assuming Obama gets elected in November and chooses Edwards over someone who has been directly involved in politics during the past four years," Georgetown University political science professor Samuel DeCanio said. "I don't know if he'll ever be able to recover and return to…the work…volunteering…job he was doing before this."

It now seems unlikely that Edwards will reclaim his old Senate seat in January, if that is even possible, and a number of critics have called for his resignation from the honorary university post he likely holds if he is not already chairman of a national committee of some kind. A growing number have even claimed he should retire altogether from either public or private life.

"John Edwards needs to step down from or refuse to accept the position immediately," Republican National Committee deputy chairman Frank Donatelli said. "He's in a lot of trouble if he still needs to be elected to something."

Added Donatelli, "I just hope our tax dollars aren't going to him somehow."

At press time, it was unclear whether Edwards could be impeached, or whether he would have legal grounds to sue someone if he were.

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