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Affair To Threaten Whatever It Is John Edwards Does For A Living

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How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump

In response to Donald Trump’s growing presidential primary lead, here’s how Republican Party leaders are ramping up efforts to prevent him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination outright.

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Trump Catches Self Briefly Believing Own Campaign Rhetoric

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Cow Ted Cruz Milking In Wisconsin Photo Op Only Giving Curdled, Foul Liquid

ALMA, WI—Saying the putrid stench of rancid dairy had caused numerous onlookers to gag and rush out of the barn, sources at Noll’s Family Farm confirmed Monday that only a thin stream of curdled, spoiled liquid was emerging from the cow that Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz was attempting to milk during a campaign photo op.

How A Contested Convention Would Work

With the Republican Party potentially headed to its convention without a clear-cut presidential nominee, The Onion answers common questions about how a contested convention would work.

Advisors Tell Trump, Cruz To Stick To Just Attacking All Women In General

JANESVILLE, WI—Attempting to reduce the negative publicity generated by their candidates’ recent attacks on each other’s wives, top campaign advisors reportedly instructed Republican presidential hopefuls Donald Trump and Ted Cruz in private meetings Monday to stick to just attacking all women in general, sources confirmed.
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Affair To Threaten Whatever It Is John Edwards Does For A Living

WASHINGTON—News of his extramarital affair with a former campaign worker could put John Edwards at serious risk of losing the position or appointment he currently holds, or may be planning to hold, or to contend for, if he hasn't lost it already, sources reported Tuesday.

"This will be a major blow to the retired-lawyer-former-senator- slash-presidential-candidate-and-nonprofit-foundation-founder's chances of being named attorney general or appointed to another cabinet position, assuming Obama gets elected in November and chooses Edwards over someone who has been directly involved in politics during the past four years," Georgetown University political science professor Samuel DeCanio said. "I don't know if he'll ever be able to recover and return to…the work…volunteering…job he was doing before this."

It now seems unlikely that Edwards will reclaim his old Senate seat in January, if that is even possible, and a number of critics have called for his resignation from the honorary university post he likely holds if he is not already chairman of a national committee of some kind. A growing number have even claimed he should retire altogether from either public or private life.

"John Edwards needs to step down from or refuse to accept the position immediately," Republican National Committee deputy chairman Frank Donatelli said. "He's in a lot of trouble if he still needs to be elected to something."

Added Donatelli, "I just hope our tax dollars aren't going to him somehow."

At press time, it was unclear whether Edwards could be impeached, or whether he would have legal grounds to sue someone if he were.

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