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Weird, Area Woman Wasn't Harassed Today

Bewildered paralegal Caitlin Levy says that after returning home from work today, it occurred to her that, oddly, at no point during her day was she harassed, leered at, or made to feel humiliated or physically threatened.

The Life Of Diana, Princess Of Wales

Today marks 20 years since the funeral of Princess Diana, known to many as the “people’s princess.” The Onion looks back at the life of Princess Diana before it was cut tragically short.

Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.
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Afghan Warlord Not Sure Which Side He Feels Like Helping Today

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—As late as the third call to prayer Wednesday afternoon, Afghan warlord Najibullah Muhibi had still not determined which side—Taliban insurgents or U.S. Army—he would provide with useful intelligence that day. "Boy oh boy, I tell you, both allegiances just seem so tempting today!" Muhibi said through an interpreter contracted by the State Department. "I suppose I should just pick whichever one strikes my fancy. Either way, I make a lot of money, no? What a glorious day to be alive!" After much thought, Muhibi resolved to share with the Americans the location of a Taliban weapons cache, the directions to which involved driving directly past a concealed roadside bomb.

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