adBlockCheck

Afghan Warlord Not Sure Which Side He Feels Like Helping Today

Top Headlines

International

The Onion Introduces: The Book Bjorn

Replete with an astonishing assemblage of facts, illustrations, maps, charts, threats, blood and additional fees to edify even the most simple-minded book-buyer, The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge is packed with valuable information--such as the life stage...

‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Afghan Warlord Not Sure Which Side He Feels Like Helping Today

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—As late as the third call to prayer Wednesday afternoon, Afghan warlord Najibullah Muhibi had still not determined which side—Taliban insurgents or U.S. Army—he would provide with useful intelligence that day. "Boy oh boy, I tell you, both allegiances just seem so tempting today!" Muhibi said through an interpreter contracted by the State Department. "I suppose I should just pick whichever one strikes my fancy. Either way, I make a lot of money, no? What a glorious day to be alive!" After much thought, Muhibi resolved to share with the Americans the location of a Taliban weapons cache, the directions to which involved driving directly past a concealed roadside bomb.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close