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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Afghanistan War Veteran Solemnly Recalls Seeing Entire Platoon Killed By Undiagnosed PTSD

DUNN, NC—After being asked to speak about his experience fighting in the war in Afghanistan on Tuesday, U.S. Army veteran Jackson Richards solemnly recalled an episode when, during a five-year period immediately following his return to the United States, his whole platoon was murdered by undiagnosed post-traumatic stress disorder. “Right from the beginning, you could tell things were looking bad; it was clear some of us weren’t going to make it out alive,” said the 26-year-old lieutenant, his voice trembling as he described how each of his friends was psychologically tortured, shot, or hanged during the 264-week-long ordeal. “The worst was the constant sense of fear and dread, not knowing when the enemy was going to creep up and strike while your kids were at school.” Richards added that he is always happy to answer questions about the war, since he is constantly reliving his experiences over and over in his head.

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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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