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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Afghanistan War Veteran Solemnly Recalls Seeing Entire Platoon Killed By Undiagnosed PTSD

DUNN, NC—After being asked to speak about his experience fighting in the war in Afghanistan on Tuesday, U.S. Army veteran Jackson Richards solemnly recalled an episode when, during a five-year period immediately following his return to the United States, his whole platoon was murdered by undiagnosed post-traumatic stress disorder. “Right from the beginning, you could tell things were looking bad; it was clear some of us weren’t going to make it out alive,” said the 26-year-old lieutenant, his voice trembling as he described how each of his friends was psychologically tortured, shot, or hanged during the 264-week-long ordeal. “The worst was the constant sense of fear and dread, not knowing when the enemy was going to creep up and strike while your kids were at school.” Richards added that he is always happy to answer questions about the war, since he is constantly reliving his experiences over and over in his head.

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