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African Children Given 30,000 Unused 'Save Darfur' T-Shirts

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‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.
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African Children Given 30,000 Unused 'Save Darfur' T-Shirts

SAN FRANCISCO—Citing poor U.S. sales, San Francisco-based Me Tees T-shirts announced Tuesday that nearly 30,000 of their cream-colored, green-lettered "Save Darfur" T-shirts will be donated to the children of Darfur. "Frankly, we thought this would be a more popular issue," a Mee Tees spokeswoman said. "If we can no longer make money on these T-shirts, we might as well do some good and send them to the poor, victimized Sudanese children." Due to their continued massive popularity in the industrialized world, no Che Guevara T-shirts will be donated to the stricken region.

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