After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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After 40-Day Search, Authorities Finally Replace Missing Boy

WILMINGTON, NC—Following an exhaustive six-week search, federal and local authorities announced Monday that they have finally located a suitable replacement for abducted 3-year-old James Van Elst. "It took more than 500 man-hours to locate a child with the right eye and hair color, but we're very satisfied with the outcome of this case," said lead investigator Kevin Callahan, adding that the real Van Elst boy "was probably dead before we even knew he was missing." "To find, after all this time, a child who looks enough like James and is pretty much the same height—well, it's a miracle." James' parents said that while losing their son was a nightmarish experience they are thankful that whoever abducted their boy fed him so well that he gained about 20 pounds.

After Birth

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