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After a Long, Hard Campaign, The Three Candidates Head Into The Home Stretch

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Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump

In response to Donald Trump’s growing presidential primary lead, here’s how Republican Party leaders are ramping up efforts to prevent him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination outright.

It Unclear Why Thousands Of Loud, Chanting Trump Supporters Gathering Outside Arena In Iowa

‘There’s No Event Here, But They Keep Coming,’ Say Concerned Stadium Staff

DES MOINES, IA—Noting that the Republican presidential candidate had not announced any plans to visit Iowa since the state held its caucus 11 weeks ago, baffled sources reported Wednesday that it remains unclear why thousands of loud, cheering Donald Trump supporters are gathering outside the Wells Fargo Arena in Des Moines.

Obama Caught Trying To Jump White House Fence

WASHINGTON—The White House was briefly placed on lockdown Friday morning after “an addled and emotionally distraught” President Obama was reportedly caught trying to scale the North Lawn fence, the third such attempt this year, Secret Service officials confirmed.

FBI Convinces George Clooney To Wear Wire During Clinton Fundraising Dinner

SAN FRANCISCO—In an effort to gather evidence in their investigation of the presidential candidate’s alleged misuse of her private email server when she served as secretary of state, members of the FBI reportedly convinced actor George Clooney to wear a hidden listening device Friday night while attending a campaign fundraising dinner with Hillary Clinton.

The Pros And Cons Of Voter ID Laws

Many states are pushing for stricter voter identification policies at the polls, while critics argue such requirements are unconstitutional and used as a means of voter suppression. Here are some pros and cons of voter ID laws.

Shimmering Immaculate Republican Candidate Appears Before GOP Officials

‘It’s Him,’ Stunned Conservative Leaders Mutter

WASHINGTON—Explaining how they froze in place and stared up at the miraculous vision in rapt wonder, members of the Republican Party leadership reported that the shimmering image of an immaculate, ideal GOP presidential candidate appeared before them for a brief moment Friday and hovered in front of the party’s headquarters in Washington.

Trump Catches Self Briefly Believing Own Campaign Rhetoric

‘Whoa, That Was Scary For A Second There,’ Says Candidate

BETHPAGE, NY—Admitting that he was overcome with terror after realizing what he had done, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump told reporters he caught himself briefly believing his own campaign rhetoric during a rally Wednesday night.

Cow Ted Cruz Milking In Wisconsin Photo Op Only Giving Curdled, Foul Liquid

ALMA, WI—Saying the putrid stench of rancid dairy had caused numerous onlookers to gag and rush out of the barn, sources at Noll’s Family Farm confirmed Monday that only a thin stream of curdled, spoiled liquid was emerging from the cow that Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz was attempting to milk during a campaign photo op.

How A Contested Convention Would Work

With the Republican Party potentially headed to its convention without a clear-cut presidential nominee, The Onion answers common questions about how a contested convention would work.
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After a Long, Hard Campaign, The Three Candidates Head Into The Home Stretch

Bill Clinton is leading most polls by about 15 percent, but that hasn't stopped Bob Dole and El DeBarge. With just days remaining in the 1996 race, and with the president enjoying what appears to be an insurmountable lead, his Republican Party and All-Night Party challengers are doing some serious 11th-hour campaigning.

While Dole spent the past few days campaigning in the crucial state of Ohio, DeBarge focused on bringing his message of economic recovery through lower taxes to the South. Addressing a group of auto workers in Jackson, MS, DeBarge said, "It's time to get out, get out into the street, where all of the action is right there at your feet."

When asked about his lack of political experience, DeBarge said, "Forget about the worries on your mind, you can leave them all behind."

Despite DeBarge's inexperience, his campaign is resonating with millions of disaffected voters. "He's an outsider—that's what I like about him," said Des Moines resident Peggy Morton, 44, chair of Iowans For DeBarge. "El represents a genuine break from politics as usual."

Whether Dole or Clinton will be able to win over a significant percentage of the DeBarge voters, however, remains a big question. According to most political pundits, the man behind such hits as "Rhythm of the Night" and "Who's Holding Donna Now?" enjoys a small but loyal following made up of people who will support their candidate even if it's a lost cause.

"El DeBarge has not spent his life inside the Washington Beltway," said Phoenix resident Bob Roe, a DeBarge backer who voted for Clinton in 1992. "He has spent it on the dance floor."

Sounding like a man running out of time, Dole blasted his opponents at a rally in Dayton, OH, citing Clinton's "basic lack of character and values" and DeBarge's "lack of a hit song since 1987's 'Who's Johnny?'"

In contrast to Dole, Clinton had kind words for the third-party candidate. "I have worked closely with El in the past and look forward to doing so again in the future," Clinton told reporters Monday. "I would not even rule a possible Cabinet position."

Despite Clinton's praise, DeBarge criticized the President for his lack of expertise on such early '80s R&B stars as the Jets, Klymaxx, Shalamar and Atlantic Starr. "Mr. Clinton has not even heard of Atlantic Starr's hit song 'Secret Lovers,' one of the smoothest grooves of the past 15 years. Is this the kind of leadership we want for America?"

The DeBarge camp also remains deeply frustrated over its candidate's exclusion from last month's two key presidential debates.

"Had El been permitted to debate," said Hugh Fitzrollins, spokesperson for DeBarge-Rockwell '96, "he would have been able to get his compelling synthesizer-based message out to the American people and, hence, would have been in position to win this election."

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