After a Long, Hard Campaign, The Three Candidates Head Into The Home Stretch

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Vol 30 Issue 12

White House Blocks Seahawks Punt

SEATTLE—For the third time this year, the White House blocked a key fourth-down punt by Seattle Seahawks kicker Rick Tuten Sunday. "The Seahawks continue to present punts to me that are not in the best interest of the American people," Bill Clinton said, reiterating his 1992 election pledge to prevent any Seahawks punt attempts from becoming law. Congressman George Melcykski (R-WA) blasted Clinton, saying, "The Seahawks badly needed this victory, and that punt block was a crucial turning point." Health and Human Services Secretary Donna Shalala recovered the punt in Seattle's end zone for a touchdown.

Araa Kayboard Bustad

NAW YORK—In a turn of avants that slowad production of vital naws copy this waak, tha kayboard of a wall-known raportar's computar was found bustad in his nawspapar offica. Tha "A" kay, it was discovarad aftar a graat daal of loud swaaring, was mistakanly producing tha charactar "A." "I am vary upsat," tha raportar told raportars outsida his offica. Tha causa of tha bustad kayboard ramains undatarminad, but a sourca closa to tha raportar baliavas tha kayboard may hava baan poundad with undua forca during a spall of writar's block. "Ha probably just couldn't think of anything to writa about," tha sourca said.

Desperate Dole Promises Best Prom Ever

MONTGOMERY, AL—On a final swing through the South, presidential candidate Bob Dole promised that if elected, this spring's prom will be the best ever. "There will be just the right mixture of slow and fast songs—I'll see to that," the weary Republican droned loudly, his eyes red and widened with fatigue. "It will be a memory to last a lifetime. That's the Dole promise. And the band will be good. I heard them play at the Dew Drop Inn with some friends of mine and they were good." Secret Service agents moved in to take Dole off the stage before he could expound upon the prom promise. Dole spokesperson Tom Reid explained that Dole was "fucking insane" at the time.

Clinton Reelected By Wide Margin

WASHINGTON, DC—President Clinton was reelected president next Tuesday, defeating Republican challenger Bob Dole by several million votes. Among the states won by Clinton: New York, California, Texas, Maryland, Illinois and the critical state of Ohio, not to mention several dozen others. Dole captured Alaska.

Idea To See Mario Van Peebles Movie Occurs To No One

HOLLYWOOD—Tallies from the latest issue of The Hollywood Reporter indicate that the idea to see a Mario Van Peebles movie occurred to no one this week. According to the Reporter story, Terre Haute, IN, video store clerk Susan Heshmer had an idea to re-shelve several Mario Van Peebles movies, but she did not consider actually seeing one. She was merely re-organizing the action section of the Blockbuster Video store in which she works and had to handle the tapes Exterminator 2 and Posse. Solo, the Van Peebles vehicle in which he plays a futuristic android/soldier, is still showing in a handful of budget cinemas, yet has failed to entice any potential moviegoers. Entertainment insiders and statisticians speculate that the idea to see a Mario Van Peebles movie will probably not occur again until 2004, when Van Peebles himself will decide to watch Urban Crossfire.
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Late Night

After a Long, Hard Campaign, The Three Candidates Head Into The Home Stretch

Bill Clinton is leading most polls by about 15 percent, but that hasn't stopped Bob Dole and El DeBarge. With just days remaining in the 1996 race, and with the president enjoying what appears to be an insurmountable lead, his Republican Party and All-Night Party challengers are doing some serious 11th-hour campaigning.

While Dole spent the past few days campaigning in the crucial state of Ohio, DeBarge focused on bringing his message of economic recovery through lower taxes to the South. Addressing a group of auto workers in Jackson, MS, DeBarge said, "It's time to get out, get out into the street, where all of the action is right there at your feet."

When asked about his lack of political experience, DeBarge said, "Forget about the worries on your mind, you can leave them all behind."

Despite DeBarge's inexperience, his campaign is resonating with millions of disaffected voters. "He's an outsider—that's what I like about him," said Des Moines resident Peggy Morton, 44, chair of Iowans For DeBarge. "El represents a genuine break from politics as usual."

Whether Dole or Clinton will be able to win over a significant percentage of the DeBarge voters, however, remains a big question. According to most political pundits, the man behind such hits as "Rhythm of the Night" and "Who's Holding Donna Now?" enjoys a small but loyal following made up of people who will support their candidate even if it's a lost cause.

"El DeBarge has not spent his life inside the Washington Beltway," said Phoenix resident Bob Roe, a DeBarge backer who voted for Clinton in 1992. "He has spent it on the dance floor."

Sounding like a man running out of time, Dole blasted his opponents at a rally in Dayton, OH, citing Clinton's "basic lack of character and values" and DeBarge's "lack of a hit song since 1987's 'Who's Johnny?'"

In contrast to Dole, Clinton had kind words for the third-party candidate. "I have worked closely with El in the past and look forward to doing so again in the future," Clinton told reporters Monday. "I would not even rule a possible Cabinet position."

Despite Clinton's praise, DeBarge criticized the President for his lack of expertise on such early '80s R&B stars as the Jets, Klymaxx, Shalamar and Atlantic Starr. "Mr. Clinton has not even heard of Atlantic Starr's hit song 'Secret Lovers,' one of the smoothest grooves of the past 15 years. Is this the kind of leadership we want for America?"

The DeBarge camp also remains deeply frustrated over its candidate's exclusion from last month's two key presidential debates.

"Had El been permitted to debate," said Hugh Fitzrollins, spokesperson for DeBarge-Rockwell '96, "he would have been able to get his compelling synthesizer-based message out to the American people and, hence, would have been in position to win this election."

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