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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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After-Bar Activities

The bars are closed, but you and your friends still want to hang out. Here are some ways to continue the good times:

  • Have you considered a 24-hour pancake joint? Apparently not, as evidenced by the fact that you're actually reading up on after-bar tips.
  • Studies have shown that sleep has many health benefits. Give it a try!
  • Have a competition to see which of your friends can round up the most stray dogs before the sun comes up.
  • Where there's a burning oil drum under an overpass, there's a toasty vagrant ready to keep the party rolling.
  • Stare in the front window of the bar and watch it being cleaned.
  • While you may not be close to the ocean and it may not be the right time of year, and such a thing may not even exist, a late-night whale-watching cruise would be pretty awesome, you have to admit.
  • For a classic night out with friends, walk 20 feet down the street after leaving the bar, stop to try to figure out what everyone wants to do, walk another 20 feet, stop and discuss again, and then repeat three to six more times until everyone becomes annoyed and just goes home.

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