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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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After Careful Thought, Teen Applies To College Where Family Donated Building

CORAL GABLES, FL—Saying that she had given the decision considerable thought, local high school senior Katie Simmons told reporters Monday that she would be applying to Bristol College, a school where her family had donated funds for a new 50,000-square-foot library. “There are so many great choices out there, but I feel like I should at least consider Bristol,” said the 17-year-old, noting that while she would like to go somewhere that has a strong academic reputation and a vibrant social scene, it couldn’t hurt to apply to the institution where her family handed over the largest single gift in the school’s history to construct a new state-of-the-art library and digital media center. “Bristol’s a pretty good school, and I could definitely picture myself there, so I guess there’s no harm in filling out the application, right?” Simmons added that she was keeping her options open by also applying to the school whose president plays golf with her dad once a month.

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