'After Earth II' Tanks At Box Office

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Vol 49 Issue 25

The Onion Will Be Euthanizing People For Free This Sunday

Summer is in full effect! And as the nation gears up for three months of beach excursions, poolside barbecues, and lazy afternoons, The Onion would like to remind its readers that this Sunday we are offering free euthanizations to everyone and anyo...

The Onion’s Tips For Securing The U.S.–Mexico Border

Destroy America’s financial, manufacturing, and healthcare sectors, limiting the amount of reasons to ever come in Place one traffic cone right in front of the existing border fence Impeach President Barack Obama On the Mexico side of the border, h...

All-Female Jury To Try George Zimmerman

A jury consisting of six women will determine whether George Zimmerman was acting lawfully under Florida’s Stand Your Ground law when he shot and killed unarmed 17-year-old Trayvon Martin in his gated community in February 2012.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Entire Room Mentally Shaving Man's Facial Hair

    WHITE PLAINS, NY—Stunned and visibly offended by the sheer volume of facial hair visible before them, every single customer at local diner Hubbard's this morning was reportedly eyeing 28-year-old fellow patron David Kellerman and mentally shaving of...

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'After Earth II' Tanks At Box Office

LOS ANGELES—According to box-office returns, the new Will Smith film After Earth II, the sequel to last month’s science-fiction adventure-drama After Earth, performed disastrously in movie theaters over the weekend. “We had hoped and assumed that audiences would be excited to see how the onscreen father-son relationship between and Will and Jaden Smith would develop in a follow-up film, but admittedly the box-office numbers fell short of our expectations,” Columbia Pictures president Doug Belgrad said of the $145 million sequel, which was filmed simultaneously with After Earth last year and scheduled for cinematic release two weeks after the first film’s premiere. “There were hopes that the introduction of Willow Smith as Zenya Raige, the long-lost little sister of Jaden Smith’s character who was raised on another planet, would pique interest, but that unfortunately does not appear to be the case. There are also some indications that the release date was poorly timed.” Studio executives added that returns for the first and second installments of the film franchise did not bode well for next week’s premiere of After Earth III starring Jada Pinkett Smith.

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