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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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'After Earth II' Tanks At Box Office

LOS ANGELES—According to box-office returns, the new Will Smith film After Earth II, the sequel to last month’s science-fiction adventure-drama After Earth, performed disastrously in movie theaters over the weekend. “We had hoped and assumed that audiences would be excited to see how the onscreen father-son relationship between and Will and Jaden Smith would develop in a follow-up film, but admittedly the box-office numbers fell short of our expectations,” Columbia Pictures president Doug Belgrad said of the $145 million sequel, which was filmed simultaneously with After Earth last year and scheduled for cinematic release two weeks after the first film’s premiere. “There were hopes that the introduction of Willow Smith as Zenya Raige, the long-lost little sister of Jaden Smith’s character who was raised on another planet, would pique interest, but that unfortunately does not appear to be the case. There are also some indications that the release date was poorly timed.” Studio executives added that returns for the first and second installments of the film franchise did not bode well for next week’s premiere of After Earth III starring Jada Pinkett Smith.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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