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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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After One Realizes Methadone Clinic Nearby, Behavior Around City Block Makes Sense

NEW YORK—Though he was once confused by the number of frail, seemingly mentally unstable people concentrated around the Houston and Broadway area of Manhattan, local man Paul Nichols, 38, told reporters Monday that as soon as he figured out there was a methadone clinic nearby, that pretty much explained everything. “Oh, I get it now,” said Nichols, who, during his walk to work, used to wonder why he would regularly see comatose-looking individuals holding cigarettes and murmuring to themselves. “Makes sense.” After learning of the methadone clinic, Nichols reportedly told his coworkers, who then nodded and said they thought that might be what was going on there.

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