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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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After-Work Drinks Enter Third Excruciating Minute

BROOKLINE, MA—According to sources who felt professionally obligated to attend, minute three of a management-sponsored after-work gathering at Freddy's Bar and Backroom remains tortuous and almost unbearable for the seven employees of ProVantage Solutions present. "My God, I don't know how much longer I can take this," sales associate Peter Ronson said 122 seconds into the Friday evening event. "We got through the first minute and a half with stilted exchanges about office stuff, but now we're all silently facing the fact that we have absolutely nothing else in common. I know I should stay for at least one drink, but I really just want to go home. Or anywhere else at all, to be honest." At press time four of the coworkers had fabricated awkward excuses to leave while the remaining three had buckled down and determined to "drink [their] way through this thing."

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