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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Aging Peyton Manning Now Forced To Take Field With Assistance Dog

DENVER—Noting that he is no longer capable of safely maneuvering across the field on his own, the Denver Broncos announced Tuesday that quarterback Peyton Manning will now be accompanied in all games by a specially trained assistance dog. “Given Peyton’s age and physical limitations, he needs Scout to help him navigate the pocket and find his way to and from the huddle,” said head coach Gary Kubiak, adding that the 2-year-old Labrador retriever—who the veteran quarterback will have on a leash at all times when stepping into the backfield—can recognize all of Manning’s voice commands and hand signals at the line of scrimmage and will then carefully guide him through a play accordingly. “Scout will make sure Peyton can move around slowly and securely without falling down or running into one of his offensive linemen, and he’s trained to bark if there’s a defender blitzing Peyton’s blind side. Not only is he a guide and helper, but he’s also a companion, and they’ve already become great friends.” Kubiak added that he has already had to tell younger Broncos players that they are prohibited from petting Scout during games in order to avoid distracting the canine and risking Manning being seriously injured.


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