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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Aging Succubus Lowering Standards For Men Ever Since She Turned 40,000

REALM OF DREAMS—Local succubus Eisheth Zenunim, Woman of Whoredom and one of the original three Queens of the Demons, informed reporters Thursday that she has gradually been lowering her standards for the men she seduces and destroys ever since she turned 40,000 years old. “When I was in my 20,000s, I would only entice powerful kings and great warlords as they dreamt, copulating with them over and over and drinking from them their essence until they were nothing more than dried-up, empty hulls—but now that I’m getting older, I’ve had to expand my prospects,” said Eisheth, admitting that, at her age, it was becoming harder and harder to hide her serpentine tail, birdlike claws, and other indicators of her true form behind the illusion of a beautiful young woman. “Nowadays, as long as I find a man who’s holding down a job, even if he’s going bald or is a little overweight, I’m much more open to tempting him while he slumbers, stealing his semen to impregnate mortal women, and eventually draining him of all vitality until he withers into nothing. It’s better than being alone, I guess.” Despite her disappointment with the quality of men she now finds herself visiting ruination upon, Eisheth said she was cautiously optimistic about her next victim, whom she described as “a little boring, but a nice enough guy.”


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