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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Aging Succubus Lowering Standards For Men Ever Since She Turned 40,000

REALM OF DREAMS—Local succubus Eisheth Zenunim, Woman of Whoredom and one of the original three Queens of the Demons, informed reporters Thursday that she has gradually been lowering her standards for the men she seduces and destroys ever since she turned 40,000 years old. “When I was in my 20,000s, I would only entice powerful kings and great warlords as they dreamt, copulating with them over and over and drinking from them their essence until they were nothing more than dried-up, empty hulls—but now that I’m getting older, I’ve had to expand my prospects,” said Eisheth, admitting that, at her age, it was becoming harder and harder to hide her serpentine tail, birdlike claws, and other indicators of her true form behind the illusion of a beautiful young woman. “Nowadays, as long as I find a man who’s holding down a job, even if he’s going bald or is a little overweight, I’m much more open to tempting him while he slumbers, stealing his semen to impregnate mortal women, and eventually draining him of all vitality until he withers into nothing. It’s better than being alone, I guess.” Despite her disappointment with the quality of men she now finds herself visiting ruination upon, Eisheth said she was cautiously optimistic about her next victim, whom she described as “a little boring, but a nice enough guy.”

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