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What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.
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Aging Succubus Lowering Standards For Men Ever Since She Turned 40,000

REALM OF DREAMS—Local succubus Eisheth Zenunim, Woman of Whoredom and one of the original three Queens of the Demons, informed reporters Thursday that she has gradually been lowering her standards for the men she seduces and destroys ever since she turned 40,000 years old. “When I was in my 20,000s, I would only entice powerful kings and great warlords as they dreamt, copulating with them over and over and drinking from them their essence until they were nothing more than dried-up, empty hulls—but now that I’m getting older, I’ve had to expand my prospects,” said Eisheth, admitting that, at her age, it was becoming harder and harder to hide her serpentine tail, birdlike claws, and other indicators of her true form behind the illusion of a beautiful young woman. “Nowadays, as long as I find a man who’s holding down a job, even if he’s going bald or is a little overweight, I’m much more open to tempting him while he slumbers, stealing his semen to impregnate mortal women, and eventually draining him of all vitality until he withers into nothing. It’s better than being alone, I guess.” Despite her disappointment with the quality of men she now finds herself visiting ruination upon, Eisheth said she was cautiously optimistic about her next victim, whom she described as “a little boring, but a nice enough guy.”

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