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20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.

Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.
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Aging Succubus Lowering Standards For Men Ever Since She Turned 40,000

REALM OF DREAMS—Local succubus Eisheth Zenunim, Woman of Whoredom and one of the original three Queens of the Demons, informed reporters Thursday that she has gradually been lowering her standards for the men she seduces and destroys ever since she turned 40,000 years old. “When I was in my 20,000s, I would only entice powerful kings and great warlords as they dreamt, copulating with them over and over and drinking from them their essence until they were nothing more than dried-up, empty hulls—but now that I’m getting older, I’ve had to expand my prospects,” said Eisheth, admitting that, at her age, it was becoming harder and harder to hide her serpentine tail, birdlike claws, and other indicators of her true form behind the illusion of a beautiful young woman. “Nowadays, as long as I find a man who’s holding down a job, even if he’s going bald or is a little overweight, I’m much more open to tempting him while he slumbers, stealing his semen to impregnate mortal women, and eventually draining him of all vitality until he withers into nothing. It’s better than being alone, I guess.” Despite her disappointment with the quality of men she now finds herself visiting ruination upon, Eisheth said she was cautiously optimistic about her next victim, whom she described as “a little boring, but a nice enough guy.”


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20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

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