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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Ahmadinejad Signs On As Dean At Sarah Lawrence

BRONXVILLE, NY—Building on a decades-long career serving government and academic institutions in his home country, outgoing Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad officially accepted a position at Sarah Lawrence College as the next Dean of Students, officials for the private New York liberal arts school announced today. “It is both an honor and a privilege to welcome Professor Ahmadinejad to the administrative team at Sarah Lawrence, to which he brings a wealth of leadership experience and a deep passion for our undergraduate program,” college president Karen Lawrence said of the right-wing Islamic leader and former engineering professor, who will teach two introductory courses in government as well as oversee the Office of Residence life, the Center for Health and Wellness, and the First Year Experience program. “From his first visit to campus in April, it was clear to everyone that Professor Ahmadinejad is a passionate and student-centered leader who understands our commitment to a highly individualized course of study, including our strong focus on the creative and performing arts, and our commitment to a diverse and culturally progressive campus community. We are proud to welcome him to our faculty.” At press time, Dean Ahmadinejad had announced that his first order of business in the fall was to increase campus resources for the Queer Voice Coalition.

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