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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Ahmadinejad Signs On As Dean At Sarah Lawrence

BRONXVILLE, NY—Building on a decades-long career serving government and academic institutions in his home country, outgoing Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad officially accepted a position at Sarah Lawrence College as the next Dean of Students, officials for the private New York liberal arts school announced today. “It is both an honor and a privilege to welcome Professor Ahmadinejad to the administrative team at Sarah Lawrence, to which he brings a wealth of leadership experience and a deep passion for our undergraduate program,” college president Karen Lawrence said of the right-wing Islamic leader and former engineering professor, who will teach two introductory courses in government as well as oversee the Office of Residence life, the Center for Health and Wellness, and the First Year Experience program. “From his first visit to campus in April, it was clear to everyone that Professor Ahmadinejad is a passionate and student-centered leader who understands our commitment to a highly individualized course of study, including our strong focus on the creative and performing arts, and our commitment to a diverse and culturally progressive campus community. We are proud to welcome him to our faculty.” At press time, Dean Ahmadinejad had announced that his first order of business in the fall was to increase campus resources for the Queer Voice Coalition.

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