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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
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Ahmadinejad Signs On As Dean At Sarah Lawrence

BRONXVILLE, NY—Building on a decades-long career serving government and academic institutions in his home country, outgoing Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad officially accepted a position at Sarah Lawrence College as the next Dean of Students, officials for the private New York liberal arts school announced today. “It is both an honor and a privilege to welcome Professor Ahmadinejad to the administrative team at Sarah Lawrence, to which he brings a wealth of leadership experience and a deep passion for our undergraduate program,” college president Karen Lawrence said of the right-wing Islamic leader and former engineering professor, who will teach two introductory courses in government as well as oversee the Office of Residence life, the Center for Health and Wellness, and the First Year Experience program. “From his first visit to campus in April, it was clear to everyone that Professor Ahmadinejad is a passionate and student-centered leader who understands our commitment to a highly individualized course of study, including our strong focus on the creative and performing arts, and our commitment to a diverse and culturally progressive campus community. We are proud to welcome him to our faculty.” At press time, Dean Ahmadinejad had announced that his first order of business in the fall was to increase campus resources for the Queer Voice Coalition.

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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

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