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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.
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Aides Gently Remind Hillary Clinton Not To Refer To Opponents As ‘Obstacles To Greatness’

LAS VEGAS—In an effort to help the presidential hopeful make her best possible impression during tonight’s Democratic primary debate, Hillary Clinton’s aides gently reminded her Tuesday not to refer to her opponents as “obstacles to greatness.” “When you’re addressing the other candidates, just make sure not to call any of them ‘impediments to glory’ or ‘the only things standing between me and my rightful place in history’ or anything like that; it’s probably best to just stick to using their names,” said chief strategist Joel Benenson, who has reportedly stopped Clinton several times over the course of her practice debates to recommend that she use the phrase “the senator” when referring to Bernie Sanders instead of “a minor blip on my path to ascendancy.” “You’re really nailing all the policy details, which is great, but if you can, remember to stay away from likening your opponents to ‘temporary obstructions,’ ‘pins to be knocked down,’ or ‘mere speed bumps.’ I’d also suggest trying the phrase ‘When I’m in the White House’ instead of ‘When the throne is mine’—just a thought.” Benenson added that Clinton should also be cautious about how many times she referred to herself as “The One” throughout the debate.


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