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Politics

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Aides Gently Remind Hillary Clinton Not To Refer To Opponents As ‘Obstacles To Greatness’

LAS VEGAS—In an effort to help the presidential hopeful make her best possible impression during tonight’s Democratic primary debate, Hillary Clinton’s aides gently reminded her Tuesday not to refer to her opponents as “obstacles to greatness.” “When you’re addressing the other candidates, just make sure not to call any of them ‘impediments to glory’ or ‘the only things standing between me and my rightful place in history’ or anything like that; it’s probably best to just stick to using their names,” said chief strategist Joel Benenson, who has reportedly stopped Clinton several times over the course of her practice debates to recommend that she use the phrase “the senator” when referring to Bernie Sanders instead of “a minor blip on my path to ascendancy.” “You’re really nailing all the policy details, which is great, but if you can, remember to stay away from likening your opponents to ‘temporary obstructions,’ ‘pins to be knocked down,’ or ‘mere speed bumps.’ I’d also suggest trying the phrase ‘When I’m in the White House’ instead of ‘When the throne is mine’—just a thought.” Benenson added that Clinton should also be cautious about how many times she referred to herself as “The One” throughout the debate.


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