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Ailing Castro Begins 750,000 Last Words

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‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.
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Ailing Castro Begins 750,000 Last Words

HAVANA—With his condition reportedly deteriorating, Cuban President Fidel Castro called top members of Cuba's National Assembly to his side and embarked on what is believed to be his 750,000 final words, according to Radio Havana Cuba, which broadcast the first 36,000 words of his apparent farewell starting Monday. "I am not long for this world, comrades, so come close, and listen well," began Castro, who was expected to scale back overnight with a mere 12,000 words from his deathbed, before fully resuming with a declaration of grievances and a discussion of Italian cinema in the morning. "…Until oppression and fear are rooted from this world, our lives may end, but our work will only begin. More water please." Cuban government officials are reportedly working out a deal to publish the 80-year-old dictator's historic last remarks as the next three volumes of Bartlett's Familiar Quotations.

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