Air Force One Pilot Invites Excited Obama Into Cockpit

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Vol 49 Issue 02

Adrian Peterson Re-Tears ACL In Preparation For 2013 Season

MINNEAPOLIS—Hoping to improve upon the remarkable feat of rushing for the second most yards in NFL history a year after tearing his ACL in the final week of 2011, Vikings running back Adrian Peterson announced Sunday that he has intentionally torn h...

I-95 Diagnosed With Highway Cancer

NEW HAVEN, CT—Road oncologists at Yale-New Haven Hospital held a press conference Tuesday to announce that Interstate 95, the main conduit running along the country’s Eastern Seaboard, had begun treatment for stage III highway cancer, an advan...

Noogies Around The World

National Geographic 8:30 p.m. EST/7:30 p.m. CST It turns out that some countries don’t even call them noogies; they call them something else in their own language.

Nation Can’t Wait To Wake Up And Start Eating Again

LINCOLN, NE—All across the nation Friday, U.S. residents turning in for the night said they were eager to fall asleep, as they simply could not wait to wake up the following morning and once more have the opportunity to consume food.

Packers vs. Niners

The Packers battle the 49ers in the NFC divisional playoff game for a rematch of every single time these two teams have met.

Denzel Washington

Even though he probably won’t win Best Actor, Denzel Washington is planning to attend the Oscars all the same.
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Air Force One Pilot Invites Excited Obama Into Cockpit

WASHINGTON—According to White House officials, Air Force One pilot Col. Scott Turner invited an excited President Obama into the cockpit Thursday, allowing the head of state to increase the throttle and place his hands on the custom-built 747’s steering panel. “Hey, there, little buddy, you want to be my copilot?” Turner was overheard asking the president, who reportedly beamed as the captain’s hat was placed on his head, a set of wings was pinned to his suit lapel, and he was informed that the plane was traveling 600 mph faster than a car. “No! Don’t press that! Just kidding, you can press it. Want to talk to the control tower?” Later, after a shy Obama posed for a picture with Turner, the pilot confirmed he did not vote for the president in November because he is staunchly opposed to the majority of his political and personal beliefs and feels he let the country down in Iraq.

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