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Airbnb User Loves How Easy Website Makes It To Ejaculate In Stranger’s Sink

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Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

McDonald’s Announces New Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac

OAK BROOK, IL—Calling the new menu item a cool, refreshing way for consumers to finish their meals, McDonald’s officials introduced the Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac during a press event Tuesday at the company’s corporate headquarters.

NicoDerm Introduces New Nicotine Eye Patch

PHILADELPHIA—Praising the product as an effective and convenient means of helping individuals quit smoking, pharmaceutical manufacturer GlaxoSmithKline announced Wednesday the release of its new NicoDerm eye patch.

Disney World Opens New Ordeal Kingdom For Family Meltdowns

BAY LAKE, FL—Touting the new property’s wide variety of unique and imaginative attractions, representatives from the Walt Disney World Resort announced Monday the opening of Ordeal Kingdom, a new theme park specifically designed for full-scale family meltdowns.

Boss Wants Friendly, Relaxed Company Culture In Place By Friday

SAN MATEO, CA—Warning of severe consequences if he didn’t see results, Pantheon Digital Consulting COO Daniel Abelson, 59, told employees Monday he wants a relaxed, friendly company culture implemented by the end of the week, sources within the organization confirmed.

Coca-Cola Marketing Strategist Named New United States PR Laureate

WASHINGTON—In a ceremony at the White House this morning in which his work was praised for its unique contributions to the art of corporate communications, Coca-Cola marketing strategist Lawrence Shaffer was officially appointed as the new PR laureate of the United States, sources confirmed.
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Airbnb User Loves How Easy Website Makes It To Ejaculate In Stranger’s Sink

CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—Citing the website’s easy navigability, wide variety of lodging options, and ability to filter rentals by price range and neighborhood, Airbnb user Elliot Nofzinger told reporters Monday that he loves how straightforward the service makes it to ejaculate into a perfect stranger’s sink. “Airbnb is great—I just go online, scroll through a few photo albums, read some user reviews, and then boom: I’m rubbing one out in the bathroom sink of some guy I don’t even know,” said the 28-year-old traveler, who went on to add that the simplicity of online booking means that anybody can peruse lodging options one day and be aiming their semen into a sink the very next. “I’ve been to eight different places and I haven’t been disappointed yet. You get a nice clean bed, you save a little cash, and you can just grab some of the host’s family photos, line them up on top of the toilet tank, and get to work.” Advocates of the site say it is also ideal for hosts who provide accommodations to Airbnb guests, as the service makes it simple to secretly film a diverse array of masturbators.

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