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Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.

Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Helpful Man Saves Woman Effort Of Telling Idea To Boss Herself

ATLANTA—In an unprompted act of generosity from one coworker to another, Spryte Logistics employee Ben Graham reportedly took the initiative to share one of Emily Fehrman’s ideas with their boss on Friday, saving her the time and effort of doing it herself.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

It Kind Of Sweet CEO Thinks He Doing Good Job

SEATTLE—Admitting that the sight of him laying out his vision for the company was pretty endearing, employees at Rainier Solutions reported Monday that it was kind of sweet that CEO Greg Warner thinks he is doing a good job.
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Airbnb User Loves How Easy Website Makes It To Ejaculate In Stranger’s Sink

CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—Citing the website’s easy navigability, wide variety of lodging options, and ability to filter rentals by price range and neighborhood, Airbnb user Elliot Nofzinger told reporters Monday that he loves how straightforward the service makes it to ejaculate into a perfect stranger’s sink. “Airbnb is great—I just go online, scroll through a few photo albums, read some user reviews, and then boom: I’m rubbing one out in the bathroom sink of some guy I don’t even know,” said the 28-year-old traveler, who went on to add that the simplicity of online booking means that anybody can peruse lodging options one day and be aiming their semen into a sink the very next. “I’ve been to eight different places and I haven’t been disappointed yet. You get a nice clean bed, you save a little cash, and you can just grab some of the host’s family photos, line them up on top of the toilet tank, and get to work.” Advocates of the site say it is also ideal for hosts who provide accommodations to Airbnb guests, as the service makes it simple to secretly film a diverse array of masturbators.

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