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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Aisle Of Hispanic Food Items All Man Needs To Know About Fate Of Country

MADEIRA, OH—Shaking his head at the diverse variety of Mexican and Latin American food options being made available to him, area shopper Steve Unger told reporters Friday that the Hispanic food aisle at his local grocery store pretty much told him all he needed to know about where America is heading. “Black beans, tortillas, hot peppers—boy, that’s the whole story right here,” said the visibly dismayed Unger, 49, who recalled a time when Latin American items only constituted about a third of Aisle 14’s offerings at the Kroger on Miami Avenue and America’s dominant position in the world was completely unquestioned. “Look at these names: Goya, Tapatio—it’s the whole damn aisle! How many types of salsa do you need, for crying out loud?” At press time, Unger’s ire had only grown more intense upon passing by a small refrigerated hummus display.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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