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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Aisle Of Hispanic Food Items All Man Needs To Know About Fate Of Country

MADEIRA, OH—Shaking his head at the diverse variety of Mexican and Latin American food options being made available to him, area shopper Steve Unger told reporters Friday that the Hispanic food aisle at his local grocery store pretty much told him all he needed to know about where America is heading. “Black beans, tortillas, hot peppers—boy, that’s the whole story right here,” said the visibly dismayed Unger, 49, who recalled a time when Latin American items only constituted about a third of Aisle 14’s offerings at the Kroger on Miami Avenue and America’s dominant position in the world was completely unquestioned. “Look at these names: Goya, Tapatio—it’s the whole damn aisle! How many types of salsa do you need, for crying out loud?” At press time, Unger’s ire had only grown more intense upon passing by a small refrigerated hummus display.

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