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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Aisle Of Hispanic Food Items All Man Needs To Know About Fate Of Country

MADEIRA, OH—Shaking his head at the diverse variety of Mexican and Latin American food options being made available to him, area shopper Steve Unger told reporters Friday that the Hispanic food aisle at his local grocery store pretty much told him all he needed to know about where America is heading. “Black beans, tortillas, hot peppers—boy, that’s the whole story right here,” said the visibly dismayed Unger, 49, who recalled a time when Latin American items only constituted about a third of Aisle 14’s offerings at the Kroger on Miami Avenue and America’s dominant position in the world was completely unquestioned. “Look at these names: Goya, Tapatio—it’s the whole damn aisle! How many types of salsa do you need, for crying out loud?” At press time, Unger’s ire had only grown more intense upon passing by a small refrigerated hummus display.

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