Al Gore Stood Up On Diplomatic Visit

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Vol 31 Issue 10

Radio Talk-Show Caller To Make Point

NEW YORK—In a move sure to enhance listener interest, Bob from Maryland announced plans Monday to make a point next week on the nationally syndicated call-in show Inside Politics With Tony Meiller. "I am going to make a point about the recent fund-raising scandals," Bob from Maryland said. "Then Mr. Meiller will respond to my remarks. It will be interesting."

Barry White De-Euphemized

WASHINGTON, DC—The U.S. Supreme Court ordered the music of '70s R&B love man Barry White to be de-euphemized Monday. According to the court order, White's lush, steamy, romantic ballads "will no longer contain lyrics which are merely suggestive, but instead will offer specific, clinically detailed descriptions of the sex acts they have long represented." The word "love," used often by White, will be digitally remastered on all recordings and changed to "prolonged intercourse." The pronoun "I" will be replaced with "10-inch erect penis." The hit songs "I'm Gonna Love You Just A Little More, Baby" and "Can't Get Enough Of Your Love, Babe," will be renamed, respectively, "I'm Gonna Penetrate You From Behind Just Six-And-A-Half Hours More, Baby" and "Can't Get Enough Of Your Firm, Juicy Breasts, Babe."

'Must-See TV' Now Enforced By Law

WASHINGTON, DC—On Monday, President Clinton signed into law the much-discussed "Must-See TV" bill, which requires all Americans to watch NBC's Thursday-night prime-time line-up. "With the signing of this bill, the phrase 'Must-See TV' is no longer merely a strong suggestion by NBC; it is a federally backed order," Clinton said. The president stressed that under the new law, viewers would be required to watch not only the top-rated, Emmy-winning programs Seinfeld, Friends and ER, but also "all of the crappy programs sandwiched in between." Failure to watch Must-See TV will result in fines of up to $250,000 and up to 10 years in federal prison.

Ketchup Not Fancy Enough For Local Man

MEDFORD, MA—Medford resident Bob Schroeder spoke out Monday against a ketchup packet he recently acquired at a local restaurant, claiming it was not fancy enough. "The label on the packet clearly indicated it was 'fancy' ketchup, but upon breaking the packet's seal, it was clear that the ketchup was not very fancy at all. In fact, it appeared to be quite ordinary." Melvin Burr, a spokesperson for the manufacturer of the ketchup, denied any wrongdoing. "Our ketchup is processed in accordance with all federal fanciness standards, including the stipulation that all our factory workers be duchesses."

Army General Conducts Exhaustive Sex Probe

LANGLEY, VA—Vowing not to leave a single cadet unexamined, U.S. Army General Edwin B. Schumacher announced Monday that he "will personally conduct the deepest, most exhaustive sex probe in modern military history." The four-star general said he will probe every enlisted man and woman in the U.S. Army, and added that he had already begun the probe at last Saturday night's Stag Ball at the Langley Air Force Base. Pvt. Avery MacCormack said: "I will willingly submit to the general's probe as ordered, but I hope it does not interfere with the sex probes I am also currently undergoing from my company commander, drill sergeant and battalion leader."

Boy George? More Like Girl George, If You Ask Me!

I was watching VH1 the other day, and I saw a video by a rock band called The Culture Club. Now, their song, called "Karma Chameleon," was catchy and pleasant, but I couldn't tell if the lead singer was a man or a woman! I consulted the popular magazines, but, surprisingly, I was not able to find anything on this group. So, my intern did a quick computer search and came up with some juicy info, just the way I like it! So, here's the scoop on these up-and-comers: The lead singer is named Boy George, and he is a man, even though he dresses like a woman. (And not a very well-dressed woman, at that!) All evidence points to him being gay, which, of course, is not a big deal at all to an enlightened man of the 1990s like myself. The other members of The Culture Club all seem to be normal and well-adjusted, seeing as there's very little that appears in the papers about them. Go out and buy their album, called Greatest Hits, and remember—you heard it here first!

I'll Smoke Anything

Some guys brag that they only smoke weed. Powerful people often only smoke Cuban cigars. A lot of cigarette smokers are proud of their brand loyalty. Some smoke only herbal cigarettes. Others smoke only Indian beedies. Why's everyone so picky? I don't understand. Me? I'll smoke anything!

Those Do-Gooders Get On My Nerves!

Yesterday, one of those self-righteous spinsters from the Ladies' Auxiliary came to protest my treatment of several orphans who were begging at my front gate. The miserable whelps would yowl songs in the hopes of receiving a ha'penny and a moldy hardtack biscuit or two. Naturally, I had my manservant Standish tell them to buzz off. When they responded with groans and other expressions of insolence, I ordered Standish to release the bear.

Notorious R.I.P.

The Notorious B.I.G. was shot to death last week, almost six months to the day after fellow "gangsta" rapper Tupac Shakur was killed. What do you think about the escalating violence in the rap world?
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Al Gore Stood Up On Diplomatic Visit

PARIS—Vice-President Al Gore felt a deep, all-consuming sense of worthlessness Monday, when, after months of careful diplomatic networking, he was stood up by French officials who were supposed to meet him to discuss vital foreign trade issues.

Busboys clean up and prepare to close as Vice-President Al Gore waits in vain for a delegation of French economic officials.

"I'm pretty sure the minister's office said two o'clock," the vice-president said, speaking from his empty table. "I wrote it down."

Gore, who was scheduled to meet with the French minister of trade, André Picallard, and a delegation of leading French economists at Paris' posh Grande Hotel restaurant at 2 p.m., waited alone for more than four hours, sources close to the maître d' said.

Not until restaurant employees began placing chairs on tables and vacuuming the famed 250-year-old eatery's fine rugs did Gore finally give up, shaking his head in a desultory manner as he exited the establishment.

"They could have at least called," Gore was overheard mumbling as he left the restaurant and began the long walk back to Air Force Two in the rain, alone.

A placemat was later discovered where Gore had been sitting, covered in "squiggly little doodles" and the words "Everybody Hates Me" in tiny, shaking handwriting.

"One can easily imagine what was going through the vice-president's head as, over and over, waiters asked him if he was ready to order," Georgetown University political science professor Walter C. Ayers said. "As he pathetically requested basket after basket of bread, having his water glass refilled time after time, he surely must have been thinking, 'Those French officials don't even want to talk to me. Nobody really cares about me at all.'"

Particularly humiliating was an incident in which a group of foreign dignitaries waved from across the room, causing Gore to stand up and extend a handshake, only to realize that they were actually waving to a group of Algerian dignitaries seated at a table behind him.

"They probably just got the address mixed up," Gore was overheard saying to a busboy. "Paris can be a hard city to find your way around in, right?" The busboy did not speak English and was unable to respond.

White House officials were quick to put the incident into perspective.

"I don't feel that what happened at that restaurant says anything about Al Gore's leadership capabilities. Nor does it in any way damage his standing as the leading candidate for the presidency in 2000. Al Gore is as vital and dynamic a political candidate as ever," said Andrew Conner, a White House staffer whose entire job consists of telling the press that Gore is a vital and dynamic political candidate.

"Gore is the man to lead America into the 21st... Oh, what's the use?" Conner added, before trailing off and shutting the door to his office with a labored sigh.

"It is safe to assume that Vice-President Gore's self-esteem hit a low point during those four long, lonely hours, as he sat there with no one to talk to, occasionally eating the complimentary crackers, toying with the artificial sweetener packets and checking his watch every few seconds," Rep. Jonathan Diedricks (R-FL) said. "Why wouldn't he? It's only natural to feel an all-consuming sense of one's own worthlessness after such a humiliating rejection as this."

President Clinton personally reassured Gore upon the vice-president's return to Washington late Monday. "There's plenty of other diplomatic fish in the sea, sport," Clinton told Gore as the two shared a carton of ice cream and a good cry.

White House Chief of Staff Leon Panetta moved quickly to restore Gore's confidence as well, telling him that he "has to just get right back up in the saddle and give it the old Al Gore try." Panetta also set up a hastily arranged summit with a friend of the Zimbabwean ambassador's sister.

Gore, however, declined the offer. "I'm thinking that maybe I want to take a little time off from negotiating for a while," he told reporters at a press conference Tuesday. "You know, sometimes 'alone' is a really good place to be."

Though the assembled media smiled and nodded sympathetically during Gore's remarks, the majority were just trying to save face. "We didn't want to hurt his feelings," said NBC Nightly News reporter Cynthia Hayworth. "He looked so sad up there behind his little podium—like a hound dog left out in the rain, a hound dog nobody loves or wants."

Gore is spending the next several days at his mother's house, White House staffers said.

The vice-president is also said to be "working on a poem for his diary."

Tipper Gore refused to comment on the incident, saying she had "more important things to do than worry about Al's constant little crises."

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