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North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.

Pope Francis Carves Roast Cherub For Vatican Christmas Dinner

VATICAN CITY—After pulling a probe thermometer from its thigh and tasting a piece of crispy golden-brown skin, Pope Francis began carving a slow-roasted 18-pound cherub for the Vatican’s annual Christmas feast, sources within the Holy See reported Sunday.
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Al-Qaeda: Latest Missile Attack Bears Hallmarks Of U.S. Military

MIRANSHAH, PAKISTAN—At a press conference Monday, al-Qaeda spokesman Abu Musab al-Madani stated that last week’s missile attack on a terrorist hideout in Pakistan’s North Waziristan region bore all the hallmarks of the United States military. “While the investigation is still ongoing, we can say that the timing of the strike, the sophistication of the explosive device, and the fact that it came from a predator drone are all consistent with previous confirmed attacks by American forces,” said al-Madani, who noted that the terrorist organization had also received an anonymous tip alleging that the U.S. military was in the advanced stages of plotting one of its regular weekly attacks on al-Qaeda soil. "Additionally, the United States has already taken credit for the assault in the American media, though they have significantly underreported the number of civilian casualties.” Al-Madani went on to state that the nonexistent gunfire and ground combat that al-Qaeda had recently encountered were a distinctive hallmark of the Pakistani military.

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Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

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