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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Al-Qaeda Marching Band To Join Macy's Parade After Incredible Audition

NEW YORK—Following an audition that "knocked [their] socks off," organizers of the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade announced today they would allow the al-Qaeda Marching Band, the musical performance division of the international terrorist organization, to participate in the 84th-annual holiday event. "Macy's has no affiliation with the political agenda of al-Qaeda and in no way endorses its stated goal of destroying the imperialist secular West," said Bob Carlson, a spokesperson for the department store. "But their choreography is just—wow. The costumes, the sass, the showmanship. These guys brought their A-game, and the drum line is just sensational." Al-Qaeda Marching Band director Ibrahim al-Faisal told reporters being selected to perform in the parade was "a great honor," adding that his group looked forward to wowing the crowd and setting off a dirty bomb in the heart of Manhattan.

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