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Best of December 2015

Koch Brothers Get Each Other Same Election For Christmas

WICHITA, KS—Chuckling and shaking their heads as they described their annual family gift exchange to reporters, Koch Industries executives Charles and David Koch confirmed Wednesday they had unwittingly gotten each other the same election for Christmas this year.

Grandma In Nursing Home Starts Adorable Little Sexual Relationship

PHOENIX—Saying it was nice to know their grandmother had found a companion to spend time with, the family of Desert Spring Assisted Living Home resident Barbara McGann reported Wednesday that the 78-year-old had begun an adorable little sexual relationship with another of the facility’s residents.

Authorities Say Country Still An Active Shooter Situation

Citizens Advised To Remain Alert, Stay Indoors

WASHINGTON—Cautioning citizens to be on high alert and remain indoors until the area was determined to be safe, authorities confirmed Thursday that the United States is still an active shooter situation.

EPA Urges Nation To Develop New Air Source

WASHINGTON—Citing the hazardous levels of carbon dioxide and other pollutants accumulating in the atmosphere, officials from the Environmental Protection Agency urged the nation this week to develop a new air source.
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Al-Qaeda Member Wistfully Recalls Time When Radicalization Done Face-To-Face Rather Than Online

BARAMCHA, AFGHANISTAN—Shaking his head at all the new recruitment and indoctrination methods used by his younger counterparts nowadays, al-Qaeda member Khalid Al-Muthanna, 42, wistfully recalled to reporters Monday a time when radicalization was performed face-to-face rather than over the internet. “Back when I first got into jihad, we used to take the time to bring recruits to a real training camp and work with them one-on-one to instill a virulent fanaticism and bloodlust toward the West—now, it’s all done on message boards and chat rooms. Where’s the satisfaction in that?” said Al-Muthanna, sighing as he explained that he used to pride himself on spending weeks living in a community before carefully hand-selecting the most psychologically and financially troubled members to radicalize, rather than posting a blanket recruitment message on social media to just anyone. “It’s so rewarding to preach a hateful ideology directly to them and actually see the murderous rage grow in their eyes day by day. But with all these young extremists, it’s just Facebook this and Twitter that—everyone is glued to their computers. Nowadays, you don’t develop any real connection with your recruits before they go and blow themselves up. There’s just no human touch.” Al-Muthanna conceded that, despite all the drawbacks, he was glad that modern technology was allowing him and others to connect with so many people from all over the world.

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