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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Al-Qaeda Operative Can’t Believe How Expensive Super Bowl Tickets Are

NEW YORK—According to high-ranking al-Qaeda sources, local operative Fasad al-Hashimi reportedly expressed disbelief Thursday over the exorbitant price of Super Bowl tickets, complaining that even the cheapest seats were listing at nearly $2,000. “I can’t imagine anybody wanting to go to this game more than me, but these prices are ridiculous,” said al-Hashimi, adding that only powerful corporate executives and wealthy celebrities could afford to attend the NFL championship game. “Such a rip-off. The fact that the Super Bowl is too expensive for the average person represents everything that is wrong with America.” At press time, al-Hashimi had reportedly decided to shell out $2,500 for a Super Bowl ticket, claiming that the cost was a worthwhile expenditure.

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