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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Al-Qaeda's No. 114 Killed On Office Depot Run

BALTIMORE—The FBI has announced that Jalal Dawoud, a suspected al-Qaeda lieutenant, was killed in a single-car accident while en route to procure miscellaneous office supplies Tuesday. "The DHS is proud to announce that this man, ranked No. 114 in al-Qaeda's terrorist organization, was fetching some toner and a box of gel pens, but was struck and killed before he could carry out his orders," said FBI Agent Lloyd Hopkinsen, who led a team of 36 investigators to the accident scene. "This is an important victory in the war against terror." The driver who struck Dawoud, livery cab driver and al-Qaeda's suspected No. 54 man Stefan Abu Ali, was treated for minor injuries and released from a Baltimore hospital.

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