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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Al-Qaeda's No. 114 Killed On Office Depot Run

BALTIMORE—The FBI has announced that Jalal Dawoud, a suspected al-Qaeda lieutenant, was killed in a single-car accident while en route to procure miscellaneous office supplies Tuesday. "The DHS is proud to announce that this man, ranked No. 114 in al-Qaeda's terrorist organization, was fetching some toner and a box of gel pens, but was struck and killed before he could carry out his orders," said FBI Agent Lloyd Hopkinsen, who led a team of 36 investigators to the accident scene. "This is an important victory in the war against terror." The driver who struck Dawoud, livery cab driver and al-Qaeda's suspected No. 54 man Stefan Abu Ali, was treated for minor injuries and released from a Baltimore hospital.

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