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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Alan Colmes' Death Goes Unreported On Hannity & Colmes

WASHINGTON, DC—The accidental death of Alan Colmes, the liberal commentator sometimes featured alongside conservative Sean Hannity, has gone unreported on their Fox News political commentary show for two weeks. "I can't understand why—why the Republicans are afraid to pull the trigger on immigration!" said Hannity, speaking to an empty seat across the set. "Would someone, anyone from the other side of the issue please tell me exactly how you seduced them to the Dumb Side? This is backwards thinking!" Hannity did not attend the funeral held last weekend for Colmes, who, according to anonymous sources within Fox News, was caught in a D.C.-area crosswalk when the light changed, flip-flopped on which way to go, and was struck by a dump-truck.

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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

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