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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Alan Keyes Admits: 'I Just Enjoy Campaigning'

AIKEN, SC–Following a speech Monday at the Rotary Club of Aiken, two-time Republican presidential candidate Alan Keyes admitted that he "just enjoy[s] campaigning." Said Keyes, a distant fourth-place finisher in the Feb. 1 New Hampshire primary: "It's a lot of fun. You get to fly around on airplanes, meet lots of nice people, and make speeches at big, fancy podiums. And sometimes, a reporter comes, and they put your picture in the paper. I only wish I could do it more than once every four years." Keyes, who has previously lost two U.S. Senate races, as well as the 1996 Republican presidential bid, added that "having your own bumper sticker is really neat."

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