adBlockCheck

Sports

MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
End Of Section
  • More News

Alarming MRI Shows Peyton Manning Has Been Dead For Past 6 Months

DENVER—After the Broncos quarterback sustained an apparent ankle injury in Sunday’s game against the San Diego Chargers, team doctors were shocked Monday when an MRI revealed that Peyton Manning has actually been dead for the past six months. “It’s obviously never good when an injury is worse than you anticipated,” interim head coach Jack Del Rio told reporters, noting that what doctors expected to be slight tearing of the ligaments actually turned out to be a late stage of decomposition afflicting the entirety of Manning’s body. “We’ve started a rehab regimen for him, mostly trying to keep his rotting flesh from falling off the bone. Luckily, the rigor mortis hasn’t affected his mobility. And in spite of the news, Peyton’s spirits appear to be up.” While the deceased four-time MVP will be listed as questionable this week, Broncos sources expect Manning to start Sunday.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close