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North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.

Pope Francis Carves Roast Cherub For Vatican Christmas Dinner

VATICAN CITY—After pulling a probe thermometer from its thigh and tasting a piece of crispy golden-brown skin, Pope Francis began carving a slow-roasted 18-pound cherub for the Vatican’s annual Christmas feast, sources within the Holy See reported Sunday.
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Alarming U.N. Report Finds World Lost 40 Million Acres Of Personal Space Last Year

NEW YORK—According to an alarming report released Friday by the United Nations, nearly 40 million acres of personal space were lost around the world in 2015, with data showing these vitally important yet extremely vulnerable regions are being wiped out at the fastest rate on record. “During the last calendar year, the steady encroachment of humans led to a reduction in personal space of about eight percent worldwide, which works out to a loss of more than a square foot for every man, woman, and child on earth,” said the report’s lead author, Irene Anderson, who noted that personal space has shrunk by more than half since the mid-1900s. “We must act quickly and decisively to protect our current personal boundaries if there’s any hope of preserving what little personal space we still have left. If we do not drastically change our behavior, it’s very possible that future generations might grow up in a world where a comfortable buffer zone between them and others simply doesn’t exist.” The U.N. report warned that the worldwide loss of personal space was rapidly approaching a critical tipping point, placing the global population at extreme risk of catastrophic crowding and jostling.

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Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

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