Alaska-Yukon Moose Dimly Aware Of Drew Barrymore's Career Path

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Vol 39 Issue 08

White History Year Resumes

WASHINGTON, DC—Scholars say there is a remarkable wealth of documented white history to explore this coming March through December.

Moral Tacked Onto End Of Man's Life

NORTH PLATTE, NE—Immediately following his death Tuesday, a moral was hastily tacked onto the life of North Platte resident Roy Brooks. "As Roy's life plainly illustrated, you'll catch more flies with honey than with vinegar," said Rev. Paul Winters, speaking from Brooks' death bed at St. Augustus Memorial Hospital. "If there's anything this man taught us, it is surely that." Responding to the statement, Brooks' loved ones agreed that they had learned a valuable lesson.

U.S. Capitol Cleaning Turns Up Long-Lost Constitution

WASHINGTON, DC—Lost for nearly two years, the U.S. Constitution was found Tuesday behind a couch in the Governor's Reception Room. "Wow, I forgot all about that thing," said U.S. Sen. Chris Dodd (D-CT), who found the historic document while vacuuming. "Nobody knew what happened to it. Guess it must've fallen back there during a meeting." After making the find, Dodd spent several minutes rereading some of his favorite old amendments.

Rich First-Grader Buys Whole Sheet Of Gold Stars

BREMERTON, WA—Lakeside Elementary first-grader Max Carr, son of Boeing CEO Robert Carr, used a small portion of his $100 weekly allowance Monday to buy himself a sheet of the gold stars used to reward academic achievement. "I don't get why all the kids work so hard to get good grades just for a sticker," Carr said. "I only got a C-minus on my phonics homework, but Mommy took me to the mall, and now I have 10 gold stars—more than anybody in the whole class." Carr said his "dumb classmates have no idea" that students can simply purchase a sheet of "Great Job!" Mickey Mouse stickers at a store.

After 10 Months Of Bitter Struggle, Downstairs Neighbor Masters 'Jumpin' Jack Flash'

GAINESVILLE, FL—After 10 months of bitter, around-the-clock struggle, pizza-delivery driver and aspiring guitarist Darren Lowell, 23, has finally mastered The Rolling Stones' "Jumpin' Jack Flash," his upstairs neighbor reported Tuesday. "I'm glad he finally nailed it," neighbor Jeremy Quinlan said. "From what I could hear through my living-room floor these past 10 months, he was really locked in an epic battle with that elusive 'dunh-dunh, da-da-da da-da-da da-da-da' riff. It was truly like Ahab and the whale." Next week, Lowell is slated to embark on his next ambitious project, Van Halen's "Eruption," which is scheduled for completion in the spring of 2004.

Movie Marketed As Six Different Genres

NEW YORK—Confessions Of A Dangerous Mind, the Miramax film based on the memoirs of Gong Show creator Chuck Barris, is being marketed as six different genres, sources reported Tuesday. "So far, I've seen TV ads making it look like a romantic comedy, a spy thriller, a Hollywood satire, a straightforward biopic, and a strange, Being John Malkovich-esque mind-bender," said Daniel Taubman, 24, of Chapel Hill, NC. "I heard there's also one that makes it look like a chick flick, playing up the whole Drew Barrymore/Julia Roberts angle, but I haven't seen it. It probably runs on Lifetime or Oxygen or something."

Why Can't We Live In Enlightened Topless Europe?

I realize that speaking out in favor of Europe is not a wise thing to do these days, but I must give credit where credit is due. My tour of Europe last summer opened my eyes to a rich culture where people place a premium on conversations about philosophy and ideas rather than last night's episode of Friends. Food is prepared and savored, not popped in the microwave and inhaled. And women are free to expose their breasts, not forced to hide them behind layers of constricting fabric. Why, oh, why, can't we live in enlightened topless Europe?
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Alaska-Yukon Moose Dimly Aware Of Drew Barrymore's Career Path

YUKON TERRITORY—In an impressive display of the star's reach, a team of University of Calgary zoologists announced Monday the discovery of an Alaska-Yukon moose with a "faint but definite" awareness of the career arc of Drew Barrymore.

The Barrymore-cognizant moose searches for food on the tundra.

"This moose is a magnificent specimen," said Dr. Joseph Hardenbrook, who came across the animal in the remote North Yukon while conducting field research on the migratory patterns of the species. "It is remarkable for the enormous antlers it sheds every year, its ability to subsist on twigs and aquatic plants, and its faint cognizance of Barrymore's short-lived marriage to Canadian comic Tom Green."

According to Hardenbrook, the 1,100-pound moose, a member of the family Cervidae, species Alces alces, exhibited a basic level of familiarity with the dramatic ups and downs of Barrymore's professional and personal life. While, for example, it did not know about her infamous on-air flashing of David Letterman, it knew about her nude Playboy spread.

The moose, Hardenbrook said, also seems to be aware of Barrymore's red-hot romance with Strokes drummer Fabrizio Moretti.

Drew Barrymore

"I was talking to [fellow scientist] Paula [Angell] about the rumors that Drew is getting engaged to that Strokes guy, when the moose started turning its head," Hardenbrook said. "At first, I assumed that the head-turning was part of an effort to detect the scent of wolves and other potential predators, but subsequent tests revealed that the moose knew about the Barrymore-Moretti relationship and, presumably, wanted to join in the conversation."

Study co-chair Andrew Sheehan said the moose knew that Barrymore starred in E.T. at 7, and that she began abusing drugs and alcohol soon after. It did not, however, know the specifics of her substance abuse, including the fact that she had her first drink at age 9, and first tried marijuana at 10 and cocaine at 12. While it vaguely recalled that Barrymore had written an autobiography at age 14, it could not remember the book's title, Little Girl Lost.

Some of the Barrymore career highlights of which the moose is aware.

"There definitely were things this moose didn't know," Sheehan said. "It had no idea that Steven Spielberg is her godfather and had forgotten that, after years out of the spotlight, she made her return to public consciousness in 1992's Poison Ivy. It could, however, name five of her movies: E.T., The Wedding Singer, Scream, Poison Ivy, and Charlie's Angels. Not too shabby for an animal that lives 250 miles from the nearest town."

Sheehan called the moose's familiarity with Barrymore "impressive, but not a total aberration."

"Although this level of celebrity awareness is unusual, it is certainly not without precedent in the animal kingdom," Sheehan said. "There have been documented cases of lower invertebrates that were aware of Celine Dion's moving struggle to get pregnant, as well as Komodo dragons that knew about George Clooney's long, hard road to the top of the acting heap."

The scientists hope to continue studying the moose.

"Assuming we get funding, we'd like to gather long-term, longitudinal data, ideally over the course of the next five to ten years," Hardenbrook said. "We think we can learn a great deal from this beast about the dissemination of celebrity news among non-primates. What we learn could revolutionize the fields of zoology and infotainment science."

At last sighting, the moose was foraging for food in the harsh winter landscape while gearing up for Barrymore's upcoming blockbuster sequel Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle.

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