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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Alaskan Gray Wolf Can't Believe No One Told Him He’s Got Snow On Nose

SITKA, AK—Saying that he feels like an utter moron and is still completely embarrassed, a gray wolf on Thursday told reporters how mortified he is that no one bothered to inform him he had snow all over his nose earlier. “Here I am walking around with snow on my nose like a jackass and no one says a goddamned thing,” the humiliated Alaskan apex predator said, noting that he encountered dozens of wolves that day without a single one overtly, or even furtively, drawing attention to the glaring clump of powder on the top of his snout.  “All day long, all fucking day I look like a buffoon, and not one member of my pack has the decency to say ‘Lick the top of your nose a little’ or ‘Hey, you got a little something there.’ Unbelievable.” At press time, sources confirmed the wolf had not confronted pack members about his grievances and opted instead to take precautionary measures by pawing his nose intermittently whenever he thought they weren’t looking. 

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