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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Alaskan Gray Wolf Can't Believe No One Told Him He’s Got Snow On Nose

SITKA, AK—Saying that he feels like an utter moron and is still completely embarrassed, a gray wolf on Thursday told reporters how mortified he is that no one bothered to inform him he had snow all over his nose earlier. “Here I am walking around with snow on my nose like a jackass and no one says a goddamned thing,” the humiliated Alaskan apex predator said, noting that he encountered dozens of wolves that day without a single one overtly, or even furtively, drawing attention to the glaring clump of powder on the top of his snout.  “All day long, all fucking day I look like a buffoon, and not one member of my pack has the decency to say ‘Lick the top of your nose a little’ or ‘Hey, you got a little something there.’ Unbelievable.” At press time, sources confirmed the wolf had not confronted pack members about his grievances and opted instead to take precautionary measures by pawing his nose intermittently whenever he thought they weren’t looking. 

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