adBlockCheck

Albanian Village Bombed Forward Into Stone Age

Top Headlines

International

‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Albanian Village Bombed Forward Into Stone Age

PRISTINA, SERBIA—The ethnic-Albanian village of Pristina was bombed forward into the Stone Age Monday, thrust ahead more than 20,000 years by a Serbian attack. "The Albanians of the Kosovo region have been bombed from their previous state of anthropological sub-infancy into the earliest dawning of civilization," Serbian general Ratko Rilosevic said following the raid. According to U.N. spokespersons, the bombing so badly devastated the village that, by the next day, it had developed a hunter-gatherer societal structure and begun to communicate in rudimentary linguistic patterns. "If the bombing had been any more severe," said one Red Cross relief worker, "these villagers might be extracting metals from ferrous ores in order to fashion weapons of retaliation against their attackers."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close