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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Albert Pujols Can't Bring Self To Hit Against Ex-Teammate Jeff Suppan

ST. LOUIS— Saying that he was "too overwhelmed" with memories of their 2006 World Series run, Albert Pujols couldn't bring himself to do well against former teammate Jeff Suppan during the Cardinals–Brewers game last Saturday. "Seeing his face really choked me up, man," said Pujols following an 0-for-4 performance, which consisted of letting 12 strikes go past him without taking a single swing. "His locker used to be right over there, and he would change into his uniform there, too. I hugged him real hard when we won [the World Series]." Despite Pujols' obvious emotional connection to Suppan, the right-handed pitcher said he doesn't remember Pujols saying one word to him last season.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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