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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Albert Pujols Embarrasses Cardinals By Returning To Dugout With First Base Stuck On Bottom Of Shoe

ST. LOUIS—Cardinals players were reportedly mortified Monday when Albert Pujols embarrassed the entire team in front of 34,965 fans by trotting back to the dugout with first base stuck on the bottom of his left shoe. "Oh my god, he's such a spaz," said left fielder Matt Holiday, lowering the bill of his baseball cap and pulling up the hood of his sweatshirt. "Please don't let anyone in the crowd think that we are with him. Oh Jesus, he's trying to scrape it off and now it's stuck on his other shoe. I swear, if he sits next to me, I'll never be able to show my face around here again." According to third baseman David Freese, Pujols consistently humiliates everyone in the dugout when he "claps like a total dork" any time the team does well.

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