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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Album That Has Nothing On Fleetwood Mac’s ‘Rumours’ Wins Grammy Award

LOS ANGELES—Recognized with one of the ceremony’s most coveted awards, an album that doesn’t even begin to stack up to Fleetwood Mac’s quintessential musical achievement Rumours reportedly won Album of the Year at the Grammys on Sunday night. “Wow, what an honor,” said the recipient of the statuette, an individual who sources confirmed could never create anything even remotely on par with what is indisputably the finest and most well-honed artistic statement in rock music, and, furthermore, who isn’t one-tenth the songwriter that Lindsey Buckingham is. “I just [don’t deserve to be mentioned in the same breath as the brilliant musicians behind Rumours, a record that since its release has captivated millions with its ingenious yet playful compositions, flawless production, and sheer emotional resonance. The Mac’s 1977 masterpiece is truly without parallel, and modern-day pop acts such as myself can only dream of ever of creating anything that begins to approach its unsurpassed brilliance]. Thank you.” According to ceremony attendees, the presentation of the Best Album award followed the evening’s previous announcement of the winners of Best Pop Solo Performance, Song of the Year, and Best New Artist, not one of whom wrote or played on “You Make Loving Fun.”

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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