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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
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Alcohol Unfairly Blamed For Local Man’s Impaired Judgment

MATTOON, IL—Soon after the 28-year-old leapt off the lid of a dumpster and sprained his ankle Tuesday night, friends of area man Jesse Willard unjustly placed the blame for his questionable behavior on alcohol, sources confirmed. “Man, that guy turns into such a moron when he gets a few beers in him,” said Sean Taggart, 29, unfairly accusing the chemical ethanol of being responsible for Willard's lack of foresight and poor decision-making, traits that are in fact fundamental features of his personality and are equally present when he's completely sober. “Jesse has a bit of an impulsive and destructive side that comes out as soon as he starts drinking. Every night out at the bar [or anywhere else] with him always ends like this.” Sources stated that friends have also falsely ascribed Willard’s sudden outbursts of rage, his boorish forwardness with women, and penchant for uttering racial epithets to alcohol, when in actuality he’s just an all-around ass.

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Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

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