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Red Roof Inn Announces New Suicidal Suite

In an effort to cater to customers who have lost the will to live, economy hotel chain Red Roof Inn officially unveiled Thursday its new Suicidal Suite available at each of their locations across the nation.

Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Alcohol Unfairly Blamed For Local Man’s Impaired Judgment

MATTOON, IL—Soon after the 28-year-old leapt off the lid of a dumpster and sprained his ankle Tuesday night, friends of area man Jesse Willard unjustly placed the blame for his questionable behavior on alcohol, sources confirmed. “Man, that guy turns into such a moron when he gets a few beers in him,” said Sean Taggart, 29, unfairly accusing the chemical ethanol of being responsible for Willard's lack of foresight and poor decision-making, traits that are in fact fundamental features of his personality and are equally present when he's completely sober. “Jesse has a bit of an impulsive and destructive side that comes out as soon as he starts drinking. Every night out at the bar [or anywhere else] with him always ends like this.” Sources stated that friends have also falsely ascribed Willard’s sudden outbursts of rage, his boorish forwardness with women, and penchant for uttering racial epithets to alcohol, when in actuality he’s just an all-around ass.

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