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Alcoholic-Beverage-Consumer Confidence Skyrockets

NEW YORK—Alcoholic-beverage-consumer confidence hit a record high Friday between the hours of 5 p.m. and 3 a.m., briefly reaching 105.3 points before dropping to 94.2 at last call.

"Weekend market conditions were extremely favorable for cash/beverage trading," said Byron Seidler of the Board of Alcohol Consumption and Expenditure. "Drinkers' confidence in the strength of the dollar, in their attractiveness to the opposite sex—even in their dart-playing abilities—rose sharply."

The last time the Alcoholic-Beverage-Consumer Confidence Index spiked this dramatically was exactly one week earlier during the same time period.

Several market sectors reflected the spike, with beverage consumers' confidence surging in dancing, aptitude for bar trivia, and ability to drive. Young women showed a 47 percent increase in dancing on the bar and a 31 percent increase in the slipping off of halter tops.

"I rule," said 22-year-old secondary-school teacher Kathryn Lazarus. "Turn that shit up!"

According to David Watts, a market analyst at the Federal Reserve Board, a limited regard for ensuing risk characterizes consumers with artificially elevated confidence indices.

A group of alcohol consumers in Boston.

"The short-term gains reaped by alcohol consumers can easily lead to an atmosphere of irrational exuberance," Watts said. "Decisions made during this period are historically ill-considered and often sorely regretted. Fortunately, the market often corrects itself within several hours, when alcoholic-beverage-consumer confidence shifts into lethargy, loneliness, and maudlin conversations about relationship troubles. In severe cases, however, these spikes can trigger a depression."

Alcohol consumer Kirk Britmer of Raleigh, NC offered a detailed analysis of his weekend's spending patterns.

"I noticed an attractive woman across the bar from me. At first, I was afraid to talk to her because she was with some friends and seemed like she was doing her own thing," Britmer said. "But then at one point, she was up next to me—real close—and I offered to get her a drink. By the end of the night, I'd somehow spent $280."

According to Watts, the spike in confidence led some beverage consumers, such as junior communications executive Wallace Bryan, to assume excessive risk.

"I really took a beating Friday," said Bryan, who lost three teeth in a fight at Bryant's Pub in Houston, TX. "This guy got ahead of me in line and called me a fag. I haven't been in a fight since grade school, but I think my exact words were, 'Wanna dance, fat boy?'"

At the Oyster Bar in Westchester, CA Friday, commodities analyst Nelson Heydritch encouraged his clients to make acquisitions in a local microbrew.

"Hold on," said Heydritch, before augmenting his own portfolio with a major investment in Johnny Walker Blue. "You know the secret to getting women? Being a total asshole."

Consumer confidence plunged to 82.1 points Monday, as alcohol consumers returned to work and began feeling a serious market correction.

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