After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
End Of Section
  • More News

Alcoholic Kindergarten Teacher Stretches Naptime To Three Hours

IRVING, TX—Following a tiring weekend, kindergarten teacher and self-described "party girl" Jeanie Rigby, 29, extended the naptime at Irving KinderKare to three hours Monday. "Let's get those nap pads out, kids," Rigby said in what her students described as "an extra-hushy indoor voice." "Quiet time now, so you get your rest and Ms. Rigby gets her juice." Kindergarteners who only pretended to sleep later said they were pretty sure that Rigby was not faking her own nap.

After Birth

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.