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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Aldo Montano

Fencing — Italy

Fencing Style: Poke-heavy

Family History: Father was an Olympic fencer; grandfather was an Olympic fencer; great-grandfather enjoyed annoying people by prodding them with a yardstick

Prosciutto Company Sponsorships: Del Duca, Levoni

Favorite Home-Improvement Tip: When painting exterior of home, follow the daylight around the home, starting on the north side in the morning and proceeding clockwise as the afternoons wears on

Level Of Fame: Always goes out in public wearing fencing helmet to avoid being recognized

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