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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Aldo Montano

Fencing — Italy

Fencing Style: Poke-heavy

Family History: Father was an Olympic fencer; grandfather was an Olympic fencer; great-grandfather enjoyed annoying people by prodding them with a yardstick

Prosciutto Company Sponsorships: Del Duca, Levoni

Favorite Home-Improvement Tip: When painting exterior of home, follow the daylight around the home, starting on the north side in the morning and proceeding clockwise as the afternoons wears on

Level Of Fame: Always goes out in public wearing fencing helmet to avoid being recognized

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