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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Aldo Montano

Fencing — Italy

Fencing Style: Poke-heavy

Family History: Father was an Olympic fencer; grandfather was an Olympic fencer; great-grandfather enjoyed annoying people by prodding them with a yardstick

Prosciutto Company Sponsorships: Del Duca, Levoni

Favorite Home-Improvement Tip: When painting exterior of home, follow the daylight around the home, starting on the north side in the morning and proceeding clockwise as the afternoons wears on

Level Of Fame: Always goes out in public wearing fencing helmet to avoid being recognized

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