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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Aldon Smith

49ers Outside Linebacker

Strength: Has no problem with slamming into another human being as hard as he possibly can; Plays four games a year against the Rams and Cardinals offensive lines

Weakness: Tackling license expired months ago; Only concerned with sacking the opposing team’s quarterback, not communicating with him

Finishing Move: Throws football through opponent’s chest, rips out spine

Parents: Two hall-of-fame linebackers

Football Philosophy: Man have ball, Aldon tackle man

DUI To Super Bowl Appearances Ratio: 1 to 1

Lateral Movement: Ferociously scuttles after ball carriers like monstrous crab

Toughness: Relentlessly plays through injuries, blood-curdling screams of competitors

Most Memorable Sack: Trick question—is unable to form new memories

Additional Information: None

NEXT: John Harbaugh

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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