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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Aldon Smith

49ers Outside Linebacker

Strength: Has no problem with slamming into another human being as hard as he possibly can; Plays four games a year against the Rams and Cardinals offensive lines

Weakness: Tackling license expired months ago; Only concerned with sacking the opposing team’s quarterback, not communicating with him

Finishing Move: Throws football through opponent’s chest, rips out spine

Parents: Two hall-of-fame linebackers

Football Philosophy: Man have ball, Aldon tackle man

DUI To Super Bowl Appearances Ratio: 1 to 1

Lateral Movement: Ferociously scuttles after ball carriers like monstrous crab

Toughness: Relentlessly plays through injuries, blood-curdling screams of competitors

Most Memorable Sack: Trick question—is unable to form new memories

Additional Information: None

NEXT: John Harbaugh

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