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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Aldon Smith Quietly Relieved Terrorist Plot Wasn’t Totally Compromised

LOS ANGELES—Following his recent arrest at Los Angeles International Airport for making an alleged bomb threat, sources close to San Francisco 49ers linebacker Aldon Smith confirmed Tuesday that the 24-year-old is simply relieved his covert plot for an upcoming terrorist attack was not fully compromised. “It’s a minor setback, but we should be able to continue moving ahead once the dust settles,” Smith reportedly said while on a pay phone, stressing repeatedly that “they don’t know anything.” “Everything is fine—they thought the bomb thing was a joke. The operation is still set for May 16. Remember: 9 a.m. sharp.” At press time, Smith had reportedly left a small unmarked package in a locker at a downtown San Jose bus station and casually walked away.

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