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Scientists Discover 99% Of NFL Players’ Brains Slimy

SEATTLE—In a major advancement of the ongoing effort to better understand the specific neurobiology of these athletes, a new study released Wednesday by scientists at the University Of Washington revealed that 99 percent of NFL players’ brains are slimy.
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Aldon Smith Quietly Relieved Terrorist Plot Wasn’t Totally Compromised

LOS ANGELES—Following his recent arrest at Los Angeles International Airport for making an alleged bomb threat, sources close to San Francisco 49ers linebacker Aldon Smith confirmed Tuesday that the 24-year-old is simply relieved his covert plot for an upcoming terrorist attack was not fully compromised. “It’s a minor setback, but we should be able to continue moving ahead once the dust settles,” Smith reportedly said while on a pay phone, stressing repeatedly that “they don’t know anything.” “Everything is fine—they thought the bomb thing was a joke. The operation is still set for May 16. Remember: 9 a.m. sharp.” At press time, Smith had reportedly left a small unmarked package in a locker at a downtown San Jose bus station and casually walked away.

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