Alex Ovechkin Having Trouble Following Puck On TV

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Vol 47 Issue 46

Prescription: Bedtime

CBS 9 p.m. EST/8 p.m. CST This week's episode of the hit medical drama once again lulls the nation's fiftysomething moms to fall asleep on the couch, while the "code blue" commotion at the end is just loud enough to rouse them, make them l...

Smooth Transaction At DMV Exaggerated Into Story Anyway

ALBANY, NY—Though he spent no more than 20 minutes at the Department of Motor Vehicles Tuesday getting his driver's license renewed, Dan Nesbitt, 27, decided to embellish his experience anyway, saying he was mistakenly given the wrong form to fill o...

High Integrity, Moral Decency Has Cost Idiot Man Millions

CHARLESTON, SC—With its firm grounding in honesty, loyalty to friends, and a strong spirit of generosity, the asinine ethical code of Kevin Premus has cost the 42-year-old idiot millions of dollars over the years, reports confirmed Friday. The moron...
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Alex Ovechkin Having Trouble Following Puck On TV

WASHINGTON—Lying on his sofa and flipping through channels Saturday night, Washington Capitals forward Alex Ovechkin settled on a televised hockey game for a few minutes, but reportedly had trouble keeping track of the puck. "It’s going all over the place and it's moving so fast—how is anyone supposed to follow the thing, let alone enjoy watching it?" asked Ovechkin, adding that he had never heard of any of the players on the ice and hadn’t even realized Nashville had a hockey team. "I guess I'd like it more if there were more goals. A lot of my friends say it's better to watch a game in person, but I've been to a few and they're just sort of okay, I guess." After becoming frustrated with the various colored lines and circles on the surface and the seemingly arbitrary "icing" penalty, Ovechkin gave up, watched 20 minutes of a college basketball game, and fell asleep.

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