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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Alex Ovechkin Having Trouble Following Puck On TV

WASHINGTON—Lying on his sofa and flipping through channels Saturday night, Washington Capitals forward Alex Ovechkin settled on a televised hockey game for a few minutes, but reportedly had trouble keeping track of the puck. "It’s going all over the place and it's moving so fast—how is anyone supposed to follow the thing, let alone enjoy watching it?" asked Ovechkin, adding that he had never heard of any of the players on the ice and hadn’t even realized Nashville had a hockey team. "I guess I'd like it more if there were more goals. A lot of my friends say it's better to watch a game in person, but I've been to a few and they're just sort of okay, I guess." After becoming frustrated with the various colored lines and circles on the surface and the seemingly arbitrary "icing" penalty, Ovechkin gave up, watched 20 minutes of a college basketball game, and fell asleep.

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