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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Alex Rodriguez Nervously Awaiting Invitation To Spring Training

NEW YORK—All-Star third-baseman and Yankee roster hopeful Alex Rodriguez is still anxiously waiting to receive official word that he has been invited to join the team in Florida for 2007 Spring Training, Rodriguez reported Monday. "I'm still confident, but I heard that Derek [Jeter] and Jorge [Posada] already got theirs, so I don't know what's taking so long," said Rodriguez, who has spent the past four hours peering out his front window waiting for the mail truck to drive by. "Maybe I should call the Yankees to make sure they sent it to my right address? They wouldn't have cut me. No. Certainly not. I'm sure there's a simple explanation for all this, and I'm just obsessing over nothing. Oh God, what if I was traded?" Rodriguez added that, should he not be formally invited to spring training, he will nonetheless show up, act like he's supposed to be there, and hope no one notices.

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