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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Alex Rodriguez Nervously Awaiting Invitation To Spring Training

NEW YORK—All-Star third-baseman and Yankee roster hopeful Alex Rodriguez is still anxiously waiting to receive official word that he has been invited to join the team in Florida for 2007 Spring Training, Rodriguez reported Monday. "I'm still confident, but I heard that Derek [Jeter] and Jorge [Posada] already got theirs, so I don't know what's taking so long," said Rodriguez, who has spent the past four hours peering out his front window waiting for the mail truck to drive by. "Maybe I should call the Yankees to make sure they sent it to my right address? They wouldn't have cut me. No. Certainly not. I'm sure there's a simple explanation for all this, and I'm just obsessing over nothing. Oh God, what if I was traded?" Rodriguez added that, should he not be formally invited to spring training, he will nonetheless show up, act like he's supposed to be there, and hope no one notices.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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