adBlockCheck

Sports

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
End Of Section
  • More News

Alex Rodriguez Placed On Emotionally Disabled List

NEW YORK—After suffering through much of the year with an aching heart, shattered self-image, and severely hurt feelings, Alex Rodriguez was placed on the 15-day emotionally disabled list, though the Yankee slugger did not rule out the possibility that the emotional wounds he has had to endure this season "may never truly heal."

"There is an intense, burning pain deep within me, accompanied by a sinking feeling of complete and total emptiness inside," said Rodriguez outside his locker Monday night, moments before throwing his tear-stained jersey to the ground and burying his head in his hands. "It's just too much. I wish it would all just go away."

"It hurts more than anyone will ever know," Rodriguez added.

Rodriguez—whose thin skin, remarkable sensitivity, and vulnerable nature have made him susceptible to chronic emotional problems—had been exhibiting the telltale signs of mental weakness all season, marked by temporary rapid swelling of the ego followed by alternating bouts of extreme coldness and unusual soreness. However, the incident that triggered the "major, irreparable damage" to Rodriguez's psyche occurred during last Saturday's game, when fans booed him for striking out to end the seventh inning.

"When it happened, you could just see in his face that something was wrong, that he was trying hard to hide the pain he was feeling on the inside, but then he just audibly snapped—you could hear it all the way from the bleachers," said teammate Bobby Abreu, who watched from first base as Rodriguez "came apart right there on the field."

"It was painful to watch," he continued. "[Rodriguez] started flailing around, rocking back and forth on the ground, crying uncontrollably… I had to look away. Frankly, I was disgusted."

A team of Yankee therapists immediately rushed onto the field and administered a series of soothing, reassuring hugs, to which Rodriguez was unresponsive. Rodriguez was then transported to a nearby psychiatric hospital, where he remains in unstable condition.

Yankees manager Joe Torre said that Rodriguez will be emotionally unavailable for this weekend's series, and possibly for the rest of the season.

"A-Rod had been working hard with his mental-skills coach all season to strengthen his resolve, toughen his mind, and build up his self-esteem, but in the end, he applied too much pressure too early, and he just broke down," Torre said. "I just want A-Rod to know that we all think he's a very, very good baseball player, and that he's been doing a great job as a New York Yankee."

Rodriguez is set to begin an offseason rehabilitation program, which includes following a strict regimen of mental conditioning, taking mind-strengthening medication such as Prozac, and believing in himself.

However, Yankees assistant emotional-healing coach Lee Mazzilli was skeptical of the possibility of Rodriguez making a full recovery, saying that it would be "a miracle" if Rodriguez ever gets over the hurt he is feeling right now.

"Comprehensive tests and quiet, understanding questioning seem to indicate that A-Rod has been playing all season long with a broken heart," Mazzilli said. "It's possible that if he didn't overextend himself, his heart would've healed on its own, but to keep going out there and opening yourself up to that kind of constant abuse and harsh, brutal stress each night… He could've torn it right in half."

"It's possible his broken heart may never mend," Mazzilli added.

Rodriguez's spot on the roster will be filled by Gary Sheffield, who on Friday is eligible to be activated from the 60-day mentally disabled list.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close