adBlockCheck

Sports

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
End Of Section
  • More News

Alex Rodriguez Placed On Emotionally Disabled List

NEW YORK—After suffering through much of the year with an aching heart, shattered self-image, and severely hurt feelings, Alex Rodriguez was placed on the 15-day emotionally disabled list, though the Yankee slugger did not rule out the possibility that the emotional wounds he has had to endure this season "may never truly heal."

"There is an intense, burning pain deep within me, accompanied by a sinking feeling of complete and total emptiness inside," said Rodriguez outside his locker Monday night, moments before throwing his tear-stained jersey to the ground and burying his head in his hands. "It's just too much. I wish it would all just go away."

"It hurts more than anyone will ever know," Rodriguez added.

Rodriguez—whose thin skin, remarkable sensitivity, and vulnerable nature have made him susceptible to chronic emotional problems—had been exhibiting the telltale signs of mental weakness all season, marked by temporary rapid swelling of the ego followed by alternating bouts of extreme coldness and unusual soreness. However, the incident that triggered the "major, irreparable damage" to Rodriguez's psyche occurred during last Saturday's game, when fans booed him for striking out to end the seventh inning.

"When it happened, you could just see in his face that something was wrong, that he was trying hard to hide the pain he was feeling on the inside, but then he just audibly snapped—you could hear it all the way from the bleachers," said teammate Bobby Abreu, who watched from first base as Rodriguez "came apart right there on the field."

"It was painful to watch," he continued. "[Rodriguez] started flailing around, rocking back and forth on the ground, crying uncontrollably… I had to look away. Frankly, I was disgusted."

A team of Yankee therapists immediately rushed onto the field and administered a series of soothing, reassuring hugs, to which Rodriguez was unresponsive. Rodriguez was then transported to a nearby psychiatric hospital, where he remains in unstable condition.

Yankees manager Joe Torre said that Rodriguez will be emotionally unavailable for this weekend's series, and possibly for the rest of the season.

"A-Rod had been working hard with his mental-skills coach all season to strengthen his resolve, toughen his mind, and build up his self-esteem, but in the end, he applied too much pressure too early, and he just broke down," Torre said. "I just want A-Rod to know that we all think he's a very, very good baseball player, and that he's been doing a great job as a New York Yankee."

Rodriguez is set to begin an offseason rehabilitation program, which includes following a strict regimen of mental conditioning, taking mind-strengthening medication such as Prozac, and believing in himself.

However, Yankees assistant emotional-healing coach Lee Mazzilli was skeptical of the possibility of Rodriguez making a full recovery, saying that it would be "a miracle" if Rodriguez ever gets over the hurt he is feeling right now.

"Comprehensive tests and quiet, understanding questioning seem to indicate that A-Rod has been playing all season long with a broken heart," Mazzilli said. "It's possible that if he didn't overextend himself, his heart would've healed on its own, but to keep going out there and opening yourself up to that kind of constant abuse and harsh, brutal stress each night… He could've torn it right in half."

"It's possible his broken heart may never mend," Mazzilli added.

Rodriguez's spot on the roster will be filled by Gary Sheffield, who on Friday is eligible to be activated from the 60-day mentally disabled list.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close