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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Alex Rodriguez Pulls Out Of World Baseball Classic Because Everyone Else Is Doing It

NEW YORK—Citing concern that his fellow major-leaguers would consider him an outcast and overachiever, Alex Rodriguez announced Wednesday that he will not take part in the increasingly unpopular World Baseball Classic. "The Classic seemed like it would be a great opportunity to represent my country and give baseball unprecedented worldwide exposure; that is, back when everyone else said they were going to be in it, too," said Rodriguez, who watched as stars like Barry Bonds, Nomar Garciaparra, and John Smoltz withdrew from the tournament in recent weeks. "When most of the other guys tentatively said they would participate, I thought that playing was a good decision, but after seeing my heroes like the great Mariano Rivera bow out, I am now sure that this is the right, and popular, thing to do." Rodriguez added that, even though the World Baseball Classic "is for losers," he wouldn't rule out playing in the tournament if enough of his friends decide to reconsider their withdrawal.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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