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Algerian Dies Of Natural Causes

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‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.
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Algerian Dies Of Natural Causes

TABELBALA, ALGERIA—Beni Ain-Sefra, 71, became the first Algerian in nearly seven months to die of natural causes following a stroke Saturday, sending shockwaves through the North African nation. According to reports, Ain-Sefra was not shot, hanged, stabbed nor disemboweled by roving hordes of horse-mounted Islamic extremists. “I am stunned by this non-violent end to Beni’s life,” Ain-Sefra’s wife Sumora said. “I always imagined that when it was my husband’s turn to go to Heaven, he would be cut in half by militants and have his upper body fed to a pack of wild dogs and his legs dumped in a well. This natural, peaceful act of God will take time to sink in.”

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