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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Aliens Demand More Positive Portrayal In The Media

WASHINGTON, DC—A coalition of extraterrestrials representing some two trillion lifeforms across the five major planetary confederations descended on Earth Monday to speak out against "the demeaning, degrading and hurtful portrayals" of aliens in the planet's media.

Gnortakk, a spokesbeing for Extraterrestrials For Media Equity, speaks to Earthling reporters.

"Attention! People of Earth!" said Gnortakk, Son Of K'Tzazzghn, spokesbeing for Extraterrestrials For Media Equity. "The preponderance of stereotypical and condemnatory images of non-Earth species in your films, TV programs, books and video games can no longer be tolerated."

"For years, we have endured your planet's depiction of aliens as either ruthless, tyrannical conquerors or bumbling, ineffectual, 'comic relief' creatures," Aegon, Fifth Of The Five, said. "It's high time humanoids presented positive, realistic images of aliens going about their everyday lives."

Presenting a montage of clips from such Hollywood fare as Independence Day, Mars Attacks!, Species, Men In Black, Sphere, and the Alien trilogy, Aegon noted that the films' extraterrestrials are portrayed as "ruthless, arbitrary murderers, bent on destroying the human race."

"And why would we want to destroy you?" Aegon asked. "To colonize your wretched, oxygen-polluted planet? To steal your paltry resources, as if we did not have molecular-constitution technology of our own? No planet has ever made such a threat to Earth, yet, time and time again, from War Of The Worlds on down, we have been depicted as single-minded killers. That's just plain hurtful."

"Yes, some aliens are bent upon the destruction or subjugation of the Earth," Malorf Of Gundarg said. "But why focus exclusively on them when there are trillions of other species that only seek scientific learning or peaceful unification of the races? The vast majority of us are simply carbon, silicon or gas-based lifeforms, just trying to survive and propagate the species, the same as all of you."

In addition to the Earth-media's "blatantly xenophobic" characterization of aliens as violent, the EME blasted "the equally damaging depiction of aliens as ignorant and uncivilized."

"In the rare instances in which aliens are shown as non-threatening or even friendly to humans, they are typically dim-witted and fearful—and always subservient," said K'qqq'tthhb Of The Meta-Entity, underscoring his point with clips from the popular Star Wars films, in which such alien sidekicks as Chewbacca and Jar Jar Binks provide comic relief. "Viewing these images, it is not hard to see why many Earthlings grow up convinced of their own inherent superiority in the universe."

A scene from <I>Independence Day</I>, which aliens say "set back our cause trillions of years."

"I'd love to see the mightiest Earthling try to navigate the sodium jungles of Skorg-7," K'qqq'tthhb added. "You humans wouldn't even exist if not for the fact that your planet is protected under the Cassiopeian Accord as a wildlife preserve."

One of the most harmful effects of the media's negative images of aliens, EME spokesbeings said, is that they leave young aliens with no positive role models to emulate.

"The children of Bleemo need to see images of space-beings like themselves doing good things so they can realize that they, too, are capable of such achievements," Blanthus, Spawn Of Malthus, said. "Instead of always casting an alien as the cruel planetary overlord, perpetuating an offensive, eons-old stereotype, why can't Hollywood have a space creature be a doctor or a schoolteacher or a fireman?"

Blanthus called for an increase in "positive, uplifting storylines, in which humans and aliens work together against the real enemies, like the sun-devouring plasma cloud of Gwill-VII or the impending collapse of the space-time continuum at the ruptured black hole in the farthest reaches of the Milky Way."

Responding to the EME charges, 20th Century Fox released a statement Tuesday denying that its films and television programs are specist. "20th Century Fox has always strived to create movies and TV shows that celebrate the gloriously diverse spectrum of life that is our universe," the release said. "Jar Jar and other such characters are funny, friendly creatures who no more smack of specism than does E.T."

Osgorothax Of Snarn, Under-Praetor of the EME, blasted the 20th Century Fox statement as "deeply troubling and indicative of the very problem at hand."

"Hollywood is interested in one thing and one thing only: maintaining the pan-galactic status quo," Osgorothax said. "How can anyone deny this when, in this supposedly enlightened day and age, utterly distasteful and wholly offensive programs like 3rd Rock From The Sun are considered acceptable for widespread viewing? Earthlings, this is your final warning: Clean up your act now or prepare to suffer the consequences."

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