Aliens Demand More Positive Portrayal In The Media

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Vol 35 Issue 24

Woman Pays Full Price For Carpet During One-Day-Only Non-Sale

ELKHART, IN—In the first-ever non-special-sale offer in Carpetworld history, Elkhart shopper Bernadette Blake purchased 120 square feet of royal-blue Dupont Stainmaster II plush carpeting at the regular price of $7.99 a square yard Monday. "I was driving past my local Carpetworld and noticed that, for some strange reason, there were no sale signs in the window," said Blake, who arrived at the store 10 hours after the Sizzling Spring Sellout Sale ended and 14 hours before the Everything's 30 Percent Off Carpet Clearance Blowout Bonanza was scheduled to begin. "That made me extremely curious, so I went in to check it out." Encouraged by the success of the Blake transaction, Carpetworld is planning a week-long "Regular Daze" non-sale event, featuring added costs for carpet pad and installation, as well as nothing of interest for the kids.

Area Man Dead Of Fries

MURFREESBORO, TN—Longtime fries sufferer Chuck Milner died Monday, succumbing to the fat- and cholesterol-laden side dish after a brave 53-year battle. "Sadly, Milner's family has a history of terminal French-fried potatoes, with his father, sister and several uncles dying of it," family friend Richard Winningham said. "Chuck first contracted fries during childhood, and it intensified into cheese fries during adulthood, becoming, in his final days, full-blown chili-cheese fries." Donations to the Milner family, which in recent years had exhausted its savings on ketchup and Lawry's seasoned salt, can be made care of Winningham.

Robin Williams Still Missing After Three-Day Free-Association Binge

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Local police continued their search for Robin Williams Monday, three days after the movie star improvised himself off the set of the upcoming Paramount film My Three Sons. "Robin was ad-libbing brilliantly when, all of a sudden, he lost control and began doing impressions of everything in sight," My Three Sons director Donald Petrie said. "By the time we summoned his handlers, he'd left the studio lot altogether." Security guards reported seeing Williams extemporize wildly off studio property, riffing eastward down Melrose Avenue before disappearing from sight. His current whereabouts are unknown.

Has Leo Gotten Himself Hitched-O?

Item! Ladies, brace yourselves for some serious heartache. The word is, Hollywood hunk du jour (that's "of the day" for all you non-French speakers) Leonardo DiCaprio has gotten married! Apparently, Leo recently spent some time in Taiwan shooting a big new movie, and while he was there, he started up a whirlwind romance with a lucky local. Love bloomed, and Leo and the lady soon became husband and wife! Now, I don't know the name of the bride, nor do I know the wedding date. I was scrambling around right up until press time to find this info for you, but certain people don't have enough common courtesy to return a phone call. But rest assured that the second I know more, I'll share it with you, my faithful readers.

Ro-bot Monster

As a youth, I always envisioned that my older years would be fraught with peace and grace, and that I would sit under the shade of a sycamore tree in my favorite white linen suit, sipping a mint julep and telling my grand-children of my wondrous exploits as the editor-in-chief of The Onion news-paper.

Should The U.S. Impose Limits On Incredibly Stupid Shit?

WASHINGTON, DC—With national stupid-shit consumption at an all-time high and federal shit projections indicating sharply rising levels of stupidity over the next decade and a half, a small but vocal group of lobbyists has revived an old debate on Capitol Hill, calling for strict, federally mandated limits on incredibly stupid shit.
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    ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Aliens Demand More Positive Portrayal In The Media

WASHINGTON, DC—A coalition of extraterrestrials representing some two trillion lifeforms across the five major planetary confederations descended on Earth Monday to speak out against "the demeaning, degrading and hurtful portrayals" of aliens in the planet's media.

Gnortakk, a spokesbeing for Extraterrestrials For Media Equity, speaks to Earthling reporters.

"Attention! People of Earth!" said Gnortakk, Son Of K'Tzazzghn, spokesbeing for Extraterrestrials For Media Equity. "The preponderance of stereotypical and condemnatory images of non-Earth species in your films, TV programs, books and video games can no longer be tolerated."

"For years, we have endured your planet's depiction of aliens as either ruthless, tyrannical conquerors or bumbling, ineffectual, 'comic relief' creatures," Aegon, Fifth Of The Five, said. "It's high time humanoids presented positive, realistic images of aliens going about their everyday lives."

Presenting a montage of clips from such Hollywood fare as Independence Day, Mars Attacks!, Species, Men In Black, Sphere, and the Alien trilogy, Aegon noted that the films' extraterrestrials are portrayed as "ruthless, arbitrary murderers, bent on destroying the human race."

"And why would we want to destroy you?" Aegon asked. "To colonize your wretched, oxygen-polluted planet? To steal your paltry resources, as if we did not have molecular-constitution technology of our own? No planet has ever made such a threat to Earth, yet, time and time again, from War Of The Worlds on down, we have been depicted as single-minded killers. That's just plain hurtful."

"Yes, some aliens are bent upon the destruction or subjugation of the Earth," Malorf Of Gundarg said. "But why focus exclusively on them when there are trillions of other species that only seek scientific learning or peaceful unification of the races? The vast majority of us are simply carbon, silicon or gas-based lifeforms, just trying to survive and propagate the species, the same as all of you."

In addition to the Earth-media's "blatantly xenophobic" characterization of aliens as violent, the EME blasted "the equally damaging depiction of aliens as ignorant and uncivilized."

"In the rare instances in which aliens are shown as non-threatening or even friendly to humans, they are typically dim-witted and fearful—and always subservient," said K'qqq'tthhb Of The Meta-Entity, underscoring his point with clips from the popular Star Wars films, in which such alien sidekicks as Chewbacca and Jar Jar Binks provide comic relief. "Viewing these images, it is not hard to see why many Earthlings grow up convinced of their own inherent superiority in the universe."

A scene from <I>Independence Day</I>, which aliens say "set back our cause trillions of years."

"I'd love to see the mightiest Earthling try to navigate the sodium jungles of Skorg-7," K'qqq'tthhb added. "You humans wouldn't even exist if not for the fact that your planet is protected under the Cassiopeian Accord as a wildlife preserve."

One of the most harmful effects of the media's negative images of aliens, EME spokesbeings said, is that they leave young aliens with no positive role models to emulate.

"The children of Bleemo need to see images of space-beings like themselves doing good things so they can realize that they, too, are capable of such achievements," Blanthus, Spawn Of Malthus, said. "Instead of always casting an alien as the cruel planetary overlord, perpetuating an offensive, eons-old stereotype, why can't Hollywood have a space creature be a doctor or a schoolteacher or a fireman?"

Blanthus called for an increase in "positive, uplifting storylines, in which humans and aliens work together against the real enemies, like the sun-devouring plasma cloud of Gwill-VII or the impending collapse of the space-time continuum at the ruptured black hole in the farthest reaches of the Milky Way."

Responding to the EME charges, 20th Century Fox released a statement Tuesday denying that its films and television programs are specist. "20th Century Fox has always strived to create movies and TV shows that celebrate the gloriously diverse spectrum of life that is our universe," the release said. "Jar Jar and other such characters are funny, friendly creatures who no more smack of specism than does E.T."

Osgorothax Of Snarn, Under-Praetor of the EME, blasted the 20th Century Fox statement as "deeply troubling and indicative of the very problem at hand."

"Hollywood is interested in one thing and one thing only: maintaining the pan-galactic status quo," Osgorothax said. "How can anyone deny this when, in this supposedly enlightened day and age, utterly distasteful and wholly offensive programs like 3rd Rock From The Sun are considered acceptable for widespread viewing? Earthlings, this is your final warning: Clean up your act now or prepare to suffer the consequences."

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