adBlockCheck

Local

Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Alignment Of 6,071 Completely Independent Variables Necessary For Man To Feel Okay

PHILADELPHIA—Listing off an extensive set of prerequisite conditions ranging from various aspects of his physical health to the volume of the ongoing construction project outside his apartment, local man Shane Lambert confirmed Thursday that 6,071 completely independent variables must be in perfect synchrony at any given moment for him to feel okay. “I’m feeling all right today,” said Lambert, who reportedly only attained such a state after the alignment of several thousand factors that included consuming neither too much nor too little coffee, someone turning up the office’s heat, his wireless internet running well, not suddenly remembering an argument from three weeks ago, his heartburn remaining dormant, the subway train running on time, not seeing any exuberant social media posts from his friends announcing significant personal accomplishments, the Philadelphia Flyers winning, a lack of any precipitation, no one noticing he nicked himself shaving, a sufficient but not excessive number of new emails in his inbox upon waking up and checking his phone, his neighbors watching TV at a reasonable volume, the deli still having the kind of bread he likes his sandwiches on by the time he arrived for lunch, and managing to slip silently past his coworker Elaine whenever he walked by her cubicle without being drawn into a long conversation. “I can’t complain.” At press time, the delicate equilibrium was shattered after Lambert went online to check his bank account’s balance.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close