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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Alito Keeps Telling Supreme Court How They Did Things In Circuit Court

WASHINGTON, DC—Supreme Court sources say the "Third Circuit anecdotes" told by newest associate justice Samuel Alito are irritating his colleagues. "This morning, he told us how the Third Circuit judges write their opinions at home," Justice Clarence Thomas said. "I don't care what they do on the Third Circuit, Justice Alito should compose his opinions in the office." Sources say Alito also has "an annoying habit of mentioning that he was the editor of his high-school yearbook."

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