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Tips For Back-To-School Shopping

As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.

Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.
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Alito Keeps Telling Supreme Court How They Did Things In Circuit Court

WASHINGTON, DC—Supreme Court sources say the "Third Circuit anecdotes" told by newest associate justice Samuel Alito are irritating his colleagues. "This morning, he told us how the Third Circuit judges write their opinions at home," Justice Clarence Thomas said. "I don't care what they do on the Third Circuit, Justice Alito should compose his opinions in the office." Sources say Alito also has "an annoying habit of mentioning that he was the editor of his high-school yearbook."

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Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.

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