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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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All 32 NFL Teams Eagerly Lining Up For Chance To Sign Randy Moss, Reports Randy Moss

SAN FRANCISCO—With NFL free agency looming, every team across the league is gearing up to compete for coveted star wide receiver Randy Moss, wide receiver Randy Moss reported Saturday. “After leading the 49ers to the Super Bowl with yet another stellar season, Randy Moss is going to be the hottest free agent pickup of 2013,” said Moss, adding that the San Francisco front office will do their utmost to re-sign the 35-year-old wideout, but will face incredibly stiff competition from the other 31 NFL franchises. “Teams are already clearing cap space and making room on their roster just in case they have a shot at landing Moss. He’s far and away the best receiver in the league, so frankly even the slightest prospect of signing him is enough to have every GM excited.”

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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